My blog the psychiatrist

I wanted to start a blog because I thought that it would make for a fantastic form of therapy and so far its working out pretty well. My blog is my own personal psychiatrist, always on call, always available and has a memory like a reference library. The more open and honest I am with my blog the better it serves me. I can off load my troubles in a clear and open fashion, then revisit them if I feel like I need a reminder to prompt a new perspective. Right now I feel a dumping of brain ache coming on and am so grateful that Mr. blog is hear to receive my rather heavy deposit.

This Christmas I have been with my mum and her boyfriend, my younger sister and her family, nephew, niece, husband and my disabled brother. Mum and her boyfriend have just moved into a beautiful little house in a sleepy seaside town for their retirement. Its so peaceful and much more than I ever could have hoped for my mum. Thankfully her boyfriends divorce payout is providing her with the life she always deserved. My sister who I love dearly is so different from me. Her and her husbands total lack of common sense and social etiquette antagonizes me into someone I don't particularly like. They come out with so much nonsense about the world that I find myself biting my tongue until I feel like I could explode, which sometimes I do.

Visiting my sixty eight year old dad and his twenty seven year old boyfriend is challenging at the best of times but when you are also accompanied by your chav sister and brother-in-law, disabled brother and screaming nephew and niece it can make for a rather challenging environment. My sister and I have always bickered but when we are around my father it becomes worse. Its like we are competing for his attention which is beyond me because he has the attention span of a eight year old and she would always win anyway. My sister seems to have been brought up with a totally different vocabulary to me which relies heavily on phrases such as 'shut your mouth', 'thats gay' and 'yeah, whatever'. Normally I can muster up enough control to not react to her and her simplistic husbands comments but when I hear something which I find beyond ignorant I find myself speaking my mind. Maybe it doesn't even really matter but I hate the thought of her going about her daily life with ideas that seem like they have come fresh out of The Daily Mail, not even the Daily Mail, The Sun. (all tabloid newspapers written for the ignorant masses). Since serving up christmas dinner she has given me filthy looks and ignored me because I told her husband that his comment suggesting that Goldschlager, (a clear liqueur with very thin, yet visible flakes of gold leaf floating in it) caused small cuts in your throat as you drank it was an urban myth. He disagreed by telling me I was wrong and I graciously surrendered to his nonsense. This was somehow enough for me to get the cold shoulder from them both for the remainder of the day which was followed by a few bitchy comments during the gay dad visit. In fact as I write this now she is sat across from me half watching depressing soap operas on TV whilst throwing me the occasional dirty look. The nephew wasn't even allowed to say good night to me before going to bed.

I wish dearly that we could all get on like a regular family but ultimately I left this mess of a family when I was eighteen which has caused a constant feeling of guilt ever since. Despite no being their in person I have managed to put a great deal of long distance emotional support into my them over the years. My mother and brother have received the most of my attentions due to the fact that they needed the most help. I guess that this was the time I lost my sister a bit and she found her own way with the rather misguided support of our father and her chav friends. Basically I feel like such an outsider when Im with my sister, my dad and his much younger boyfriend. My sister and the boyfriend make no secret of the fact that their relationship together is better than anything my sister and I have had together and all I can think when Im around them is I wish just one person in this room had something funny or interesting to say.

As dad drove my brother and I back to mums he asked if it was strange coming back to the village I grew up in. I replied that it makes me feel pretty low because I remember being so deeply sad as a child.  His reaction to this was to say that none of that matters anymore because things are better now. He then went on to talk about his favorite topic of conversation, his club promoting work. I just sat in the back seat and cried quietly as he talked. Thank god for my blog. Its so important for me to share this information with the blog because nobody really has the time to listen to it in the real world; unless they're being paid of course.

Rabbit Hole

I was so happy to discover that director John Cameron Mitchell (Maker of Hedwig and the Angry Inch and Shortbus) had made another film that I wasted no time in locating it and watching it alone.  John Cameron Mitchell has this rather gifted ability to reveal each layer of a character in four dimensions. The fourth being the part of the character than transcends the film and directly relates to a memory you had as a  child or a feeling you didn't think anyone else was capable of having.  Rabbit Hole is a story about one couples struggle to come to terms with the loss of their four year old son. Becca (Nicole Kidman) finds little solace in her family and husband Howie (Aaron Eckhart). Her only comfort is found in troubled high school kid Jason who was involved in her son accident. His love of illustrating comic books opens a small portal into a life with less emotional pain. "Somewhere out their I'm having a really good time".

A John Cameron Mitchell film feels like someone cracking open your chest to squeeze your heart back into life because even though you didn't know it you were in a coma. I'm reminded of important memories that had somehow been forgotten due to time and distraction and the melancholy joy that is felt when they are regained leaves me rejuvenated and complete. If I could script my own life like a John Cameron Mitchell film I am almost certain that I would reach an enlightenment like no other. The lessons I learn are so important but like the image of a loved one that has passed away fades so do my memories. But then, there in the bottom of a bag or at the back of a wardrobe is that memory and for a moment you remember what its like to be a whole person.

http://rabbitholefilm.com/main.html#/about/

Tomorrow is Christmas Day and thoughts of the approaching new year are in my mind. Maybe this year will be my chance to have John agree to direct my life into a beautiful enlightening moment. I think that it wont take too much of a stretch of my imagination to make it happen.

Photo credit: JoJo Whilden

Breaking the spell

It's been a while since my last blog and since then and now I have had a few changes of heart and some brand new perspectives. My main troubles over the past month have involved my battle coping with the intimacy issues triggered by my first valid relationship since the failed marriage. I've been spending so much time worrying about why I was losing sexual interest in the boy whilst figuring out what I needed to get to the bottom of why this was happening in order to avoid repeating any of the mistakes I had made with my last relationship. I knew that these problems didn't have anything to do with the boy because he is the first guy in a long time that has got my attention with his kindness, creativity, passion and good looks. Basically he's a great guy who I can trust and build something with. I knew that I had to be upfront and honest with him about my sexual stage fright. We had a night together where we had sex and I was unable to cum again. I was so paranoid about what he was thinking. Thankfully he asked me why I hadn't cum. I took and deep breath and explained to him that when I really like someone I find it hard to relax and enjoy sex with them. I also explained that now I had shared this with him it would break the spell, relieving some of the pressure, allowing me to get through it. He was so understanding and wasn't at all paranoid that it was anything to do with him. He agreed that now it was out in the open that things would get better. I was a little worried that thing weren't going to turn out as predicted but within a week I was feeling more relaxed and the sex became a whole lot better. My feelings for him have become more intense now that my theory about my intimacy issues were confirmed. Maybe there are more spells to be broken.

I know I'm not totally out of the woods yet because I'm still using manroulette for the occasional online wank but I know this will pass. My need to look elsewhere for satisfaction is triggered by my fear of losing someone I care about. The closer I get to the boy the more destructive my instincts become at canceling out any good in my life that could possibly hurt me in the future. Falling in love with the boy would be the greatest emotional risk I could put myself through. The more I learn to trust him the more I will allow myself to fall for him. He's a slow burner just like me so I think he will stick around for the journey. I don't think he's the type of guy to fall in love after the first few weeks or months and for this reason I think he understands. He has his own issues and I'm sure we will both have many more emotional barriers to work though together or alone. As long as we can trust each other and face our personal problems without blinkers on or convenient distractions I'm sure things will be just fine. {Crosses fingers}.

Being in the know

Yesterday was my 31st birthday and it was the first time I ever felt well and truly regular. All my other birthdays before had some resonance of excitement rippling from my childhood but this birthday was just another day in the week. Despite having a massage at a swanky spa followed by a delicious meal in a cozy little restaurant in Soho I felt like stone. For a brief minute whilst walking through Soho I felt some memories from a few years ago wash over me and make me feel a tingle of excitement. This was instantly followed by a feeling of melancholy due to being reminded of a time where I was happily married to a boy I loved and to a time I was pretty much care free. Now I know that I have this ability to look at past memories incorrectly depending on my serotonin levels and current predicaments, but my logic it seems, always has a loosing battle with my emotional state of mind.

Despite his work schedule demanding late nights the boy had made the effort to meet me after work and take me out for a really nice meal. I really appreciated that he had made the effort to choose a fantastic restaurant and pick out some great wines to complement our choices starters and mains on the menu. He looked very handsome, especially with the victorian backdrop of the restaurant and I thought to myself why cant I just enjoy this, enjoy him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and for some reason I'm having trouble desiring him sexually. I have this stage fright when we get intimate together, which I think is due to the fact that I like him. If he didn't care about me I wouldn't have trouble in the bedroom. I find this beyond frustrating and I wish to god I knew what to do to change it. Maybe if I was to realise that I could lose him at any moment this stage fright would pass.

I keep reminding myself that dealing with these issues is the most important thing I can conquer. I imagine being old and alone, dealing with illness alone and I know that everyone needs someone whether it be a lover or a friend. No matter who they are they need to know you better than you know yourself and you need to believe that they are the most precious thing in your life. This is how you face the future, knowing love. Once you have truly loved and received true love in return can you deal with anything. I know that I am a little emotionally damaged but I hope to god that this wont stop me from being in the know. The boy is a very good companion and I need to learn to trust and feel safe, maybe then I will start to enjoy all the marvelous things life throws at me.

Hermit style

This week has mostly been spent worrying about how I go about regaining my sexual desire for the boy. I have deconstructed why this may be happening and have only come to one conclusion. I am a little damaged still from my last relationship, the childhood memories of my parents relationship compelling me to doubt what I have with the boy because he isn't causing me any emotional harm. I know very well that if he was I would desire him more than anything.  My mother and father argued almost everyday as far back as I can remember. At times it would get out of control and I would sit at the top of the stairs trying to figure out whether I should intervene. I knew that my my mear presents would cause them to cease fire possibly just in time before someone got hurt. When I was a kid I thought that all parents did this to one another. My mother despised my father for his total lack of affection and my father was too busy dealing with his closeted  homosexuality to see how much he was hurting my mother. What with this and raising my baby sister and autistic brother they didn't notice that I was completely mental. When my childhood was at its peek of utter misery I was regally drinking detergents to make myself sick so I didn't have to go into school and deal with the puissant physical bullying. I was eleven years old and I believed that all love was filled with rage. I even developed a sexual attraction to one of the boys who spent most his free time verbally and physically bulling me.

As I grew up and became an adult life took a complete u-turn and I soon discovered that the more control I had of my environment the better I could make it. I learnt to leave painful memories behind me and focus on all things positive. Turning eighteen and moving to a housing co-operative in London with a bunch of punks was the pinnacle of having full control and being happy. Although I had still not come out as gay and was trying my best to appear as asexual as possible. I denied all sexual pursuits and lived an entirely celibate existence. The thought of being in a healthy physical relationship with another guy was way beyond my comprehension. I had convinced myself that being alone forever wasn't as bad as everyone made out and being happy as a single guy was something to strive for. I think I had it right a little bit but the reality was that I was avoiding all my desires due to a deep rooted fear of being rejected.

Some years later after finally coming to terms with being gay, my father being gay and my mother realising that it wasn't her fault I met the first true love of my life. Just as I am doing now with the current boy I experienced a fear of rejection and counter rejected by obsessing over other random men on the internet. As soon as I get close to a guy my behavior becomes selfish and destructive. My last relationship lasted four years but in the second year I had laid some negative foundations which resulted in him in falling in love with mutual friends of ours and starting affairs with them. I still cant be fully sure until this day but I am almost certain that everyone I regarded a close friend kept this from me for years whilst it was happening and even after we had split up. I had very little trust for everyone around me for a long time and went back to working out how to be a happy hermit.

Three years later after some major rebuilding of old friendships and some forging of new ones I found myself in a stable position and in a mindset to pursue a relationship with someone new. Within a few weeks I had met the current boy who had all the qualities I look for in a guy which was funny because that whole three years of dating had produced not one suitor. The boy is successful, kind, intelligent, creative, patient, respectful, passionate, trustworthy, beautiful, sexy and on occasion will make poor fashion judgements which just adds to his charm. So here I am on the cusp of making all the same mistakes as I did with the last failed relationship and for what? A fear of being rejected again and losing control or maybe its a fear of the love being replaced with rage or even worse, melancholy. I need to get over all these fears, stop being a cold fish and enter love. Its okay to desire sex with someone who respects you and cares about you but still this overwhelming doubt. Maybe I have this all wrong and that the boy just isn't the one. Look at the evidence and you can see that logic is spelling out ISSUES. I need to deal with this all if I am ever to enter love with anyone.

Give thanks

This weekend I had a rather well executed belated Thanksgiving English style dinner party. My flat mate is from the US so Thanksgiving is a time of the year where she gets a little homesick so a huge gathering is always in order. We had seventeen guest and a whole bunch of food, some cooked by yours truly and the rest generously donated by some of our friends. It was good to have the boy there amongst my friends and having a good time. Everything was going well until one of my friends insisted that I joined him in a line of ketamine. Now I knew this would be a bad idea due to the fact that the boy cant handle it one bit and I had just worked my way through a bottle of Sailor Jerry rum. Drinking alcohol with ketamine can leave you in a spinning hole of regret. Desert wasn't even served before I found myself in curled up in bed telling people that I needed just 30 minutes on my own. The boy took great pleasure in the fact that it was me in the fetal position and not him. Especially as I had given him a talking to about not doing too much. As soon as I was starting to feel myself again the boy crashed and was suffering ten times worse than I was. I was really disappointed that this had happened. I hate it when I do silly things like this. One minute you're having a lovely time and the next you counting down the minutes until you feel normal again. Only this time was worse seeing as normality was short lived and replaced with me nursing a groaning mess of a boyfriend. I was meant to go to this fundraising party for a documentary I'm working on but instead was laying in bed with a sweating lump. I did feel sorry for him but I was annoyed that I and him had ruined the night by being silly with drugs. We both ended up passing out which was probable the best thing for both of us. There's no way you can recover the evening after a K-hole.

Next morning I woke up in a bit of a bad mood. The night before had got me thinking about what annoys me about the boy. The thing is he is lovely and a much better person that I but for some reason I started to think about the negative. The problems Im having in my head regarding sex didn't help either. I spent the whole day being moody and frowning. Poor boy, he really doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. What makes me really shallow is the fact that I was spending most the day trying to figure out how I could tell him I hated his boots, (which he adores by the way). These boots are high, shiny and very feminine. I am literally hating myself as I write this but I have to be honest. These boots are a real attraction killer. I decided that there would be no way I could tell him that I hated them without me being the nasty and shallow. Besides I know its not really the boots. The boots are getting all the blame and attention because I am avoiding the real issues. What is even more ridiculous is that I'm not entirely sure as to what these issues even are. We spent the whole day together and he kept asking me if I was feeling ok. I assured him that things were fine, through gritted teeth. We spent what would have been lovely day together if it wasn't for my terrible mood. A roast in the local pub with his friends followed by a trip to Brick Lane to find a winter coat for me. We found a lovely coat in the end, together. Arhh , I'm such a bitch!! He helped me find a really cool, stylish coat and the whole time I was secretly slagging off his fashion sense. What is wrong with me?

After cycling home together we watched a bit of 'Mad Men' tucked up in bed. I thought that I should explain my actions as I really didn't want him worrying if he had upset me. The truth is he had but I'm not sure what it is he did. I guess Im just sexually frustrated. Why am I losing interest in him sexually? I do this with every guy I like. I know its just like a pain barrier thing. If I push though and focus on how wonderful he is the sexual attraction will return. I know this for a fact because it has happened so many times before with other guys. I decided to tell him that my moody behavior was down to worrying about our relationship. This was not a lie and I felt okay giving him the vague version of events. I also told him that I can be a bit of a depressed anxious person at times. Also true. He was so understanding and caring that afterwards I felt like I had to have sex with him to say thank you. Again I had such trouble cuming. I really need to get to the bottom of this. I really like him. Curse you god! Why am I trying to self sabotage this relationship? Plan of action. I have to figure out why I cant enjoy the sex with him the same way as when we met or maybe I just need to make him loose these boots. The boots are blocking my view from the issue and they need to be removed. I tell you what I give thanks for, someone coming along and steeling these boots. I hate myself. I'm so sorry you've had to read this.

Manroulette

Online sex has never really been something I have indulged in hugely, unless I was in a relationship. It seems that the most inconvenient desires take hold when Im in a situation I should have the most self-control. When I'm single all it seems the only thing that will satisfy me is a healthy long term relationship so wanking via a video link with a boy in Barcelona doesn't really feel my needs. However when Im dating a boy I like a great deal its the best form of relief going.  Manroulette is a gay video link to a random selection of men looking for chats or mutual masturbation sessions internationally. With each click on the 'next' icon is a gay man or boy who you may or may not like either showing just his body, face or erect penis. This can be a great way of spending a hour or two when bored or horny. Personally I like to chat first then take a view whether to move onto something more sexual once I've discovered where in the world they are and how old they are. This week I have been over indulging in this pass-time, chatting with a selection of mainly really horny attached gay guys and guys who are just flirting with gay sex but very discreetly because they don't want their girlfriends finding out.  I find it incredibly sexy when I get a 'straight' guy. I think its the fact they they have to try so hard to hide their gayness and this I find incredible hot indeed. Im not sure why this is entirely. Could it be because of the fact that my father lived a secret gay life for almost 50 years before coming out and Im just curious as to why men do this. Or maybe its because the act of being with a straight guy is the ultimate gay taboo.

One guy caught my attention recently because he was not only very good-looking but at the grand old age of 28 had still never been with a guy despite having online gay sex since its been available. We connected via Skype as the connection was more reliable and because we knew we wanted to chat longer than just a few minutes. He lived in Birmingham and was convinced that he would never become gay because he like girls to. After an amazing conversation where I lied in order to get him to open up more we had online sex and politely greeted each other good night. As soon as we hung up the video link I was looking up is rather distinctive name via facebook where I was happy to discover not only him but his personal website and blog. It turns out he's a successful photographer with absolutely no connection to the gay world at all. So I was convinced that I was the only one lying about being a secret bisexual.

Not only was this guy super cute but he was also a talented creative. I felt sad for him having to hide such a huge part of himself and imagined how he dealt with having to deny his sexuality. I though to myself how lucky I am to have come to terms with this in my early 20's although up until this point I had always though that I wasted so many teenage years having to hide it. We take it for granted when years have come between that dreadful day we came out to our peers and loved ones and the present. It can seem like such a long time ago when so many events have passed where we have been happy and open about ourselves. A small part of me fell for this online guy mainly because I liked his straight acting tendencies and partly because I wanted to help him. Secrets are exciting when they aren't your own. When they're you own they can be such a deep emotional burden. I wonder what he is doing now, I wonder what the boy is doing now, eeek.

Ladder me if you dare

The boy introduced me to The laddering technique over the weekend. Its a form of psychology developed in the 1960's that systematically establishes your core set of constructs on how you view the world. The boy works in advertising and has a background in design so this is exactly the sort of probing research him and his colleagues delight in. He had told me that he had spent the day with his boss seeing just how far you can ladder one another. The way I saw it was that you choose a partner then steadily ask them a series of questions aimed at stripping back all the dialog to reveal their inner most insecurities, aspirations and self imposed limitations. The boy assured me that is was just a simple and particularly helpful method at eliciting goals and underlying values. I did believe him but I was imagining how it would all play out if the technique was performed on me. If I allowed the boy to do this to me he would realize that I have collection of borderline mood disorders and a constant need for pain relief. There would be no way that I would play this game with him only three months into the relationship.  


This got me thinking how in recent years I have become painfully aware that their are more people than I ever imagined performing their own DIY psychology on you everyday. Even amongst my friends I have been surprised to discover the intricate mind games they play on one another in order to get what they want. Those of you reading this thinking how naive I am are the very same people who do this very thing. All you others who are thinking that I'm paranoid are more like me. I had spent so many years taking people at face value and playing fairly because I always thought that it was the right thing to do and that cheats always get caught out in the end. How naive of me to carry this belief all the way through my twenties because if I had known a few years ago what I know now I could have saved myself a whole bunch of heartache. I had no idea people would spend months cultivating a desired result by manipulating the people in their immediate circle of trusted friends. Sometimes for simple things like getting a friend to enjoy something they normally don't because you do and you need them to like it too in order to have your own way. This seems fairly harmless due to the fact that its an attempt to get another person to enjoy something; but then you get people using these same techniques with the aim at convincing you to lose trust in people and develop a dislike for them in order to have things the way they want them. I have had a few friends who have been experts at this but none as good as M. M was a good friend of mine, very good looking, intelligent, quite charming and incredibly insecure. His special power was to get you to believe almost anything by playing on your uncertainties. Even though I have finally weaken his grip on my life he still has full control of the way some of my friends perceive things. 


M was a good friend for many years due to his ability to know how far he could push you in order to get what he wanted. He had been a key player in many of my life changing events using me like a puppet during difficult times. Even to this day I believe he has little control over his actions due to the years of self conditioning he had imposed upon himself, driven by his social paranoia. This has made him go about his life trusting no body and to compensate he used his intelligence to be two steps in front of everyone else so to avoid feeling as though anybody could gain advantage over him. At present he has a small number of my good friends, (who he had never made any secret to me of hating), his close friends. His behavior is a reaction to me removing him from my immediate circle of trusted friends. He has managed to plant seeds of distrust in friends that I had considered to be very respectful of me to reveal a side of them where they no longer feel comfortable around me. I have not let this cause me any harm though due to the fact that I know this sort of technique can not be sustained for long. Im not perfect but I'm constant and its this consistency that will lead him to get bored and move on to someone new. All I have to do to get though it is to be myself, which is easy. He has to be someone different everyday and thats the sort of shit thats going to eat your soul.


Im a little more aware these days and would be able to tell in a instant if someone was to 'ladder me'. An innocent mind makes for a demons toy and therefore you should always be aware of what it is people truly want. This way you can protect yourself from emotional harm and recognise sanctuary when you see it. I'm getting better at this and I would want to as well seeing as the person I will end up spending the rest of my life with would have to be a truly exceptional human being. 

Love My Face

Don't you just love it when you carry the weight of the world around on your shoulders and then out of nowhere you suddenly realize that you're a massive drama queen who's just feeling sorry for himself. At this very minute Im watching a BBC documentary about this young man called Jono who was rejected by his family as a baby because of a genetic disorder that affected the way his facial bones developed while he was in his mother's womb. Imagine your own mother casting you aside because you had a deformed face. Thankfully he was lucky enough to be fostered which lead on to an adoption into a very loving family. 


I despise how we as human-beings put so much importance in our appearance. The irony is that Jono grew up to be incredibly vain about his looks, spending hours on his body in the GYM and in the mirror fixing his overly straighten hair. In one scene he uses a hand held camera to film the parts of his face he's unhappy with. I really related to this. I use to spend hours looking at my face until parts of it would change like it was made of putty. If something sad happened to me during the day it would make me feel ugly which would lead me to obsess over my appearance.

At 12 years of age I was getting bullied at school regularly. I use to hate everything about myself especially my face. Over the years I learned to accept a small part of me at a time but never really got round to my face until I reached my late 20's. Even now I look at myself in the morning and think my nose could be smaller and my skin could be smoother. I would get the surprise of my life at work when a colleague would comment on what lovely skin I had or how healthy I looked. I totally dont see this at all. I dont hate my face but I will avoid mirrors and reflective surfaces all day because it can be detrimental to my mood. Its a war wound left over from all those years of self obsessed loathing.

Jono has a beautiful girlfriend and its because of this the BBC decided to make a program about him. People find it fascinating that this guy with a face like a bag of hammers can find love. Why should we find it so shocking that a young healthy good-looking girl is able to see the beauty in a guy with a deformed face? Like she said "its the whole package you fall in love with". People full in love with good looks, success, talent, fame, good body, personality and so on. We become aware of what our whole package is as we develop in our teenage years into adulthood and beyond. We put an importance on the different parts that make up our package depending on how good we think we have it. For example some people will spend more time on becoming successful or building their body in the gym if they score low in the facial area. People with a great face will sometimes just rely on that to get them though life and spend almost no time on developing a career. And then you get the people who appear to have it all but the truth is its all relative. What counts is putting importance into the things that will bring you meaningful happiness.

To Jono the most important thing, even before his body and hair is his love for his family and girlfriend. So of course Jono wanted to get in contact with his birth parents. He wanted to show them what a happy life he has built for himself. The adoption agency contacted them for him but it was bad news. His parents wanted nothing to do with him and for him to never contact them again. Jono now has to accept another missing part of his package now; his birth parents love.

What is my complete package; lots of gaps in the family area. A few in the self-worth area and a bit missing in the looks and intelligence department. To be honest I think my package is pretty even. Its not an amazing package but its not terrible either. Im happy with it in general, its like an old car. Its not my first choice but its got me from A to B and I've learnt to love it. Its a shame you cant test drive others though. It would make for some life changing revelations.

Smoke

I wasn't going to blog about this but I think that I would be breaking my rule to write openly and honestly so not to fool myself into a false reality. I feel so worried writing this but I am going to stick to my rule. Besides nobody reads this thing apart from me so why not be completely honest.

My confession is about drugs, surprise, surprise. I sometimes like to take certain drugs that are looked upon as life-ruining. I however disagree with this view not just because I take them but because once you do start taking drugs like this you begin to realise very quickly that a lot of professional, successful people also take these very same drugs. Sometime people you wouldn't ever expect. Most these people manage to keep it secret from the people around them that don't take it because of the stigma attached to it. There is no deigning that hard drugs do ruin lives. In fact all drugs can ruin lives, it really depends on who is using them.

It has become apparent to many of my friends that take drugs regally (but not the hard ones) that I am taking hard drugs. Some of them choose to ignore it, some ask questions and are generally okay with it and then there are the hypocrites. The ones that take a whole bunch of drugs every weekend, often other peoples drugs without offering to pay for them but feel that they are in a position to judge me about taking opiates.

A friend of mine was treating me very strangely at a party this weekend. Everyone was very high so I just put it down to that but after sometime it became obvious that something was bothering her about me.  She then announced to everyone that I had better not be involving a mutual friend of ours in my taking of hard drugs. Our mutual friend takes drugs of his own accord. To suggest that I am dragging him into my drug use is not only inaccurate but very unfair. He just happens to be another person who does it too and who I do it with sometimes. Im not talking about jacking up here, its just the occasional smoke.  Its really no worse than a housewife taking valium or a kid on antidepressants.  I would go as far as saying that these things are worse.

I decided to calmly have it out with her in the bathroom. I was very open-minded and respectful of her opinion and even though I didn't agree with how she went about it I did however see her point. Our mutual friend has become a very close friend to me over the past year and he is a lot younger than me. He's very wise for his age and I like him because he often comes out with very well thought out opinions even in the most dramatic of situations. I sometimes forget that he is ten years younger than me. He is 21 and I will be 31 in December. Her point was that because of his age he may see me as a example of what is possible in life. Even though I am sure our friendship is balanced I must acknowledge that my actions and what comes of these actions are a kind of guidance for his own choices. I worry that I worry too much and then something like this happens and then I worry that I don't worry enough. I told my disgruntled friend that I would no longer smoke opiates with him.

Today I found our mutual friend a work experience placement at a TV production company. I think a part of me wanted to give him something positive to do seeing as I now feel I've been responsible for putting him in negative situations. To tell you the truth I don't fully believe that. He has his own mind and he does what he likes whether I'm there or not. I've taken this whole drama into consideration now and will be making sure he doesn't slip into any kind of degenerate spiral. Not that I think he will in anyway but now Im gonna make sure it never will now. I cant promise this blog that we will never smoke opiates again with one another but I will be making sure that from now on its not something we do regularly together. So I guess she helped by making me see that I need to be aware of myself and the people around me. I can at times get carried away and forget to have consideration for the situations that involve me and my friends. She can look at herself now though. Every weekend awake for days taking uppers 24/7. Maybe I should perform a similar intervention on her.

A milestone

This weekend the boy invited me to a dinner party at his place with three of his friends. One friend I had met already. A supply teacher, friendly, a little overweight and a potential allie in what could be a very intimidating situation. As I've explained before most of the boys friends are very talented, successful and privately educated. I often feel stupid and most of the time and I just about get away without anyone realising I am. At a dinner party however there are far to many opportunities for me to make a pronunciation faux pas or make reference to something I clearly have no clue on only to be exposed after the first question.

When the other two guests arrived it became obvious very quickly that they were a very happy straight couple both with very good jobs and both from very wealthy families. I made a point of asking short questions to seek long answers and gave everyone a generous amount of time in which to talk about themselves. After a couple of  glasses each I began to relax into the conversation and was pleasantly surprise when they laughed at my jokes. Once five empty bottles stood proudly at the end of the table we were making jokes about our sex lives and parents. I was so relieved to have won the boys friends over with a few amusing anecdotes and was delighted that I wasn't responsible in orchestrated lowing of tone of the conversation. In fact everyone must have enjoyed  each others company because the boy had to pretend we had run out of wine in order to get rid of his guests.

I was so worried that I would find the night boring and was so deeply relived that I didn't. I want desperately to succeed at being a considerate boyfriend and spending time with the boys friends is a milestone. It sends out the message that I can make changes in my life in order to become more harmonious with yours. There has to be a middle ground in all relationships and both parties must be prepared to move out of their comfort zones and towards one another. Im slowly getting better at this boyfriend thing. Small steps at becoming a better person. Someone who can be flexible and open-minded.

The next project is to get off Grindr. I still cant believe that I need the admiration of gay male strangers in order to feel confident. A little flirtation via the iphone can do wonders for depression or boredom. Thing is I would hate to slip up and use it to cheat on the boy. I don't think I will but the more I use Grindr the more I feel like I'm disrespecting him by flirting with the idea of cheating. Now what is it I should do to make sure this never happens? I wonder if the couple at dinner have similar struggles?

Substance now!

I should be really happy at the moment, I have a great job, I have a beautiful boyfriend and things are generally going okay. So why do I feel like I'm going insane with thoughts of what I should be doing and how I could improve on things. I even won two tickets to travel first class on the Eurostar to Paris. I plan of giving them to my mum and my sister who hasn't been on a holiday outside the UK since she was twelve. Seeing as she is now twenty-three and stuck with two little one most the time this gift should really make her happy which in-turn should make me really happy. Im sat here with a Brandy on the rocks and a cigaret staring into my blog totally confused as to what I should write in order to off loads some of my troubles. Everywhere I look there is something reminding me of feeling incomplete. Could it be some form of depression and anxiety? Should I think about going for counseling? Trouble is it would take far to long to explain every little detail in order to get some truly inspiring advice. Not to mention too expensive. My mother has battled with depression for years although she has come a long way from that terrible night she tried to kill herself in front of a closeted gay father. Things have got a lot better for her since the days she was struggling taking care of my autistic brother in a loveless marriage. In fact things are a whole lot better for all my family now we are no longer living together. You would be forgiven for thinking that some of the things I mention have contributed to this current feeling Im having but if I'm honest I cant pin it on these events or any others. Years of physical bullying in school and my failed civil partnership with a boy I though was the one also cant be blamed.

If I had to be truly honest I would have to say that this current feeling is due to always wanting more and never being satisfied. I am a product of my generation and that is it. We want everything and we want it right now. All those years study Buddhism did help me through some troubled times when I was in my teens but ultimately organised religion just didn't fit in with my social life. I wanted parties, holidays, success, money, good looks and loads of other superficial human needs. Today I was walking home and all I could think about was buying some new clothes and now boring friday night will be because I have to spend it with the boys friends who don't drink or do drugs. 

How do I get more substance? I need that right now more than anything. Real things that matter. I think I may already have the answer but I am hiding it from myself because I am scared that I may become regular, one of those people that do normal things. I don't want that but I know I cant go on like this. If only there was a way of being me and being content.

>>20 minutes later...

Since the last paragraph and this one I cycled out to collect my winning Eurostar tickets. It turns out they are not first class Eurostar tickets but regular ones. No matter because my mood has been lifted. As Hazel the pretty blond girl handed me the tickets through the bars of her gated apartment complex I was reminded why these ticket came into my possession. I was at a fundraiser party last weekend and two particularly pushing young east london trendy types were making it impossible for me not to purchase £10 worth of raffle tickets. All the money raised was going to their friend who was dying of cancer. At the time I though £10 was a little steep but who can put a price on cancer so I reluctantly reached into my almost empty wallet and pulled out my last £10. Who would have thought that it would take me winning first prize and collecting this prize from her best mate to make me realise I'm a selfish twat. She handed them over to me and said, "thank you so much for buying the tickets". This realisation and a bit of exercise on the bike has resurrected me from my selfishness. It's not just me dealing with life!

Its must be having too much time to indulge in ones self that leads to feelings of anxiety and depression. Fair enough if you cant control it but I have no excuse. I can give myself a kick up the ass when I need it. The trick is not to forget. 

Quiet weekends

The first batch of my colleagues started on the new show I'm working on today so I'm no longer working on my own. Two researchers, a fellow assistant producer and my boss the series producer. Nice bunch of people, easy going, clam and friendly. The two lads who are researching are straight, in their early twenties and boy next door types, talk about sport a lot didn't flinch one bit when I talked about the on the side filming work I do for a gay porn company. A good sign that they're not paranoid about gay guys fancying them and generally open minded. The SP seems pleasant enough and was out the door at 6pm. Another good sign that he's not going to turn into a ball-braker when the production starts becoming more demanding. The girl assistant producer however made me realize something today that I wasn't particularly keen on acknowledging. She's charming enough and good at her job but I'm very aware that she has arrived at the same position as I have in a shorter space of time. I totally don't begrudge her this but it got me thinking as to why this may have happened. Back in 2008 we worked on this very same show and she was below me, in fact she was just starting out in TV. She is only 25 and I'm 30.

As we were shunting down our computers she turned to me to tell me the fifth story about her life that I though I would yet again have no interest in. Turns out this story was about drugs so I thought I would give it my full attention, at least I wouldn't have to fake laugh at the end. The story was about her friend who had invited her to a bonfire night in one of the parks in London. Her friend had stayed with her most the night but had got chatting to a bunch of people who she invited back to her house. At this point I could see where the story was going. She continued to tell me how her friend started taking Cocaine with these new friends she had made much to her disapproval. She said "don't get me wrong, its not like I've never done it but I'm so over that these days". I thought to myself that I shouldn't give her a genuine response to this statement and instead opted for the safe option and told her cocaine can really bring out the worst in some people, which was what I believed anyway. Her story continued until she arrived at what I thought to be a very unkind ending. She had decided to faze this girl out of her social circle. Apparently the group of girls in which they all spend all their time together have all moved on from drug taking and tonight was the night where they would all meet to discuss it behind the 'junky' girls back.  I though to myself this poor girl, all she did was let off some steam in what seems to be an occasional wild night out. The real mistake she made that night was letting one of her very judgmental friends witness it. 

Could this is why this girl has risen to to top faster than I have, the fact that she probably spends her weekends with her boyfriend picking out plate pattens and walking the dog instead of in a club off her face on E. Or could it be her approach at fazing out her friend from her little group that has got her where she is today. Manipulating the people around her to suit her ideal. Which ever way I didn't really like it. I guess its no secret on this blog that I like to take drugs. Its not the main focus of my life but its a pass time I enjoy. Some people are so critical of drug taking and I understand that its due to obvious reasons. Lives have been ruined by drugs, all types of drugs including alcohol and cigarets. Up until now I have always thought that its very possible to have a successful career, great love life and general stability as well as indulging in the occasional naughty weekend. I have witnessed this in others so why not in me. Or maybe there's a point in which you have to just cut it out. Replace those naughty weekends with trips to Ikea and reading the Guardian newspaper. Maybe this slower, less exciting pace of weekend is what makes you work harder or gets you noticed. I agree a rested weekend leads to a more productive week but a naughty weekend leads to a state of mind where I feel blessed to have such a great bunch of friends to party with. 

I have definitely toned myself down these past six months and feel great for it. I plan to continue leaving parties before it gets light out and having nights in with a movie. Its just that I don't want to give up naughtiness completely. Im lucky that the boy does the occasional naughty weekend because I can not stand it when people judge. Its really unnecessary. They say things like "I'm worried about her, she's changed". No, what is actually happening is she doesn't want to do what you do and has different needs. I ended the conversation by telling my new work colleague that maybe her friend just needs to have a blow out for a bit, a tiny bit of escape from the mundanities of work. Perhaps she just stressed and finds that a party is a great way of easing the pressure. I wanted to go on to say that what she doesn't need is for her friends to form a coven and plot against her but I thought to myself I have a few months working with this girl and need to keep her sweet. There is absolutely no way I will talk freely about wild weekends at work. I didn't before hand but from now on I wont even hint at it. The tagging option is staying firmly off on my Facebook and stories of quite weekend actives will become the topic on Monday morning water-cooler conversations. After all I wouldn't want to be judged and sentenced behind my back. Especially at work. 

It works both ways

So it turns out Im not the only one with inadequacy issues. The boy confessed to me today that he felt a little awkward around my friends during a roast dinner gathering I had at my place. Now I can see it all makes perfect sense. The boy and I met online on one of the less obvious but equally conventional gay networking website. Our paths would had probably never crossed if it wasn't the exchange of some fairly basic 'Hey, how you doing' messages and the intrigue of seeing whether or not the profile photos did one another justice. Apparently mine didn't but I've never been able to perfect a killer pose. As a teenager I never thought to practiced in a mirror. His world and my world although exist in the same dimension/London post-code have entirely different social etiquette's. His friends are very accomplished and scarily ambitious and my friends are incredibly unconventional and impassioned. I suppose the main traits both our friends share are creative ones. Much like the difference between him and I.

The boy said to me that he felt really preppy around my friends because they were all so cool and it was only last week that I was saying to him that I felt stupid around his friends because they are so intelligent. I explained to him that I would never want him to feel like he didn't fit in with my friends. Just as I have to not worry about what I believe my shortcomings to be as does he. We are now out of our comfort zones and its totally necessary that we experience this. If we didn't we would become cliquey and dull. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone as much as possible. We both do. Its all too easy to become set in your ways and ridged, totally unable to experience new people just because we are governed by a fear of not fitting in or ignored. Its true that today he spoke about things my friends were probably not interested but in equal amounts I shared what I thought were amusing antidotes with his friends only to find strained smiles looking back at me. His friends will get use to me and mine will get use to him. After all we are all lost creative types finding some sort of life for ourselves in overcrowded lonely city. And from that same point its not the most terrible place to start some sort of connection.

Go Team!

I had the pleasure of working the most sweetest Researcher during a reality TV shoot I was filming in the New Forest. She was a star when I lost the hire car keys and had no time to look for them, she searched high and low for them without letting on to the rest of the team so to save me from the embarrassment of everyone knowing what a school boy error I made. I really treasure these types of people because they are the ones that can make a terrible working environment a hell of a lot more enjoyable.

Freelancing comes with its ups and downs and one of the ups is having a great team. When you move from one production to the next you get to meet a whole spectrum of personalities in all degrees of emotions. I have an entire library full of horror stories of working in TV which would make your hairs stand on end. Like the time a Director made me take three human poos home in tupperware boxes or the time I discovered a story written about me in trashy tabloid newspaper due to my filming with a particularly nasty Z-list celebrity. Believe me when I tell you that the horror stories far outweigh the good. So meeting this lovely Researcher, with her really positive and calm manner really made a difference to what could have been a very stressful shoot.

Telly people are not all that bad but when you do get a bad one they can be bloody awful. I really do love my job but if you don't have the support from your colleagues it can make for a very sorry situation indeed. I generally believe in working as a team, combining skills, sticking together and looking out for one another. I guess that makes me pretty soft and maybe even venerable at times but I like to create as many harmonious conditions for myself as possible in this life.

At times it seems that the majority of the population are just out for themselves seeing their own faults in others first. If I have the unfortunate situation of working with an exceptionally retched Producer I get depressed, loose all my confidence and generally feel like I'm wasting my life making shit TV that people only watch because there's nothing else on. And what's even more distressing is when you work with a Producer on one production where everything goes as planned and they are as sweet as pie to you, only to discover a few months later when working with them again on another production fractionally more stressful that they are in fact the devil. Thats the most disappointing working situation because you realise almost all people are evil if pushed to a certain point. Everyone has a has a threshold for stress and some people deal with stress by projecting their negativity onto you. When I find myself in a stressful situation I pull all the people who I trust and work well with close to me and subtly remind them that we are all working to the same goal and that we can make it a whole lot more bearable by keeping our heads and not turning on each other. I started a new production today on a program I love and I will be doing everything I can to get this marvelous researcher on my team. She deserves it, its people like her that should get rewarded with good jobs not the cut throat aggressive types.

Bloody Good Job

The boy and I went to see 'The Social Network' at the cinema last night. We had decided to go to this new luxury cinema with sofas, blankets and watch the film with a whisky on the rocks. Despite being unable to empathizes with any of the characters the film was exciting and edgy and I was surprised to discover that Justin Timberlake is better at acting than he is at singing. Towards the end of the film I started to experience this overwhelming feeling of depression. I thought to myself what have I really achieved, what mark have I left upon the world. From a very early age I have been so desperately aware of all my shortcomings. Aged ten I was removed from French classes so I could have one-to-one extra tuition in basic English. Aged sixteen I was made to drop most my GCSE exams so I could concentrate all my efforts on getting the basic grades to get me into College. Aged eighteen I lied about my grades to get into University which still to the day I'm amazed I got away with it. Throughout my life I have been two lengths behind everyone else. I know what needs to be achieved but I just come short of the finish line. If I want to win I have to cheat and blag my way through.

Maybe it was the whisky but I thought it would be a good opportunity to reveal to the boy that I have mild inadequacy issues. After all its been a few months we have been together and there is very much a clear distinction between us in our achievements and education. He is without a doubt the one with the brains. Looking back now it just made me seem needy and ridiculous. No matter how hard you try to explain that you feel like you didn't get the opportunities and support you needed to achieve everything you desired in life the other person listening to you will have just as many examples of their personal shortcomings to shoot back at you, (which he did), so you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever felt like this. Its relative in their eyes because they have always had higher goals and they will always fail to see that with every disappointment or rejection I learned to aim a little lower. His major disappointment is that he didn't graduate into a 100k a year job. Needless to say  this was beyond any goal I had ever set for myself. Maybe Im failing to see everything he sees in me. I know I have the ability to turn a few heads with an antidote. I know I've managed to surprise my parents by doing far more in life than they expected from me. I have just got to stop comparing myself to others and just get on with what I am good at. Everyone has a grand purpose in life, its just up to that individual to work out what it is and to be brutally honest with themselves. Don't aim for things that you fail at aim for the things you succeed in. That feeling you get when you know you've done a bloody good job is so inspiring you should use to as a stepping block to achieve the next bloody good job and so on. As we all know there will always be someone who will do it better than you do but there is more than one way to skin a cat and that's where I come in. I have the imagination to do things a little differently, maybe not the best way or even the right way but its unique and has purpose and often comes up with a positive result. I have drive and ambition. If I allow myself to wallow in my own disappointments I will literary have nothing and the last thing I want to do is become bitter. That would be game over. Besides being the best and achieving the best doesn't always get you want you need. Take Mark Zuckerberg for example. 

Satisfaction

Is it normal to never be satisfied? For years now I have be searching for the perfect boy to share my life with only to discover I have subconscious commitment issues. Its not that I'm one of those gay guys that cant seem to keep it in his pants every time a new model appears in the showroom, its just that my mind seems to play tricks with me. As soon as I meet a handsome, intelligent, successful guy my body becomes nervous and struggles to become turned-on. In fact I have to really concentrate to relax enough to cum. This beautiful body laid out for me like an all you can eat buffet, everything I like in one serving but I'm not hungry. If I was to meet some random guy off Grinda or any of the other countless online gay networking sites I wouldn't have this problem. To tell you the truth I would have a very different set of emotional issues rearing their ugly heads.

I cant help but think that all my years of social hedonism may have contributed to all my psychical and mental inaccuracies. Don't get me wrong I'm not under any illusion that the rest of the world is having a grand old time enjoying the perfect sex-life and feeling super contented due to living a moralistic existence. I know that beneath those perfect exteriors there's a whole heap of emotional soup boiling away just waiting for the most inconvenient moment to bubble over and make a huge mess all over their lives. I need to work out what it is that's stopping me from enjoying being in a couple. I am spending more and more time away form my naughty friends and avoiding those parties that lead me into a non-sleep weekend situation which I think is a really good thing for my body and mind. Although I am still able to spend the occasional day off work with a close friend indulging in the Victorians favorite prescription medicine. (On a very light level I may add).  So maybe I need to sustain complete abstinence to have a clear perspective of my life and come up with the solution to my lack of commitment libido. Ive had my fair share of parties and madness, in fact more years than I feel comfortable mentioning. Isn't this the reason why I have been looking for a special guy to spend my life with. A guy whose main focus isn't to spend the entire weekend crawling from club to house party with the ability to inspire me to enjoy the finer things in life, remind me of what else I enjoying doing. For example last night we had sex in the shower, (not any easier to climax), watched a film in bed and was asleep by midnight. This early night lead to us waking up early and cycling to a canal for a spot of breakfast in the morning sun, watching people walk their strange little dogs much to his amusement. This is what I want, beautiful days with my boy, nights where we curl up together without a care about what any of our friends are doing. I refuse to believe he just isn't the right boy for me. I can't find fault in him at all, the only faults I see are within me. I'm going to really work at this one and make every effort to nurture us into harmonious relationship.