Substance now!

I should be really happy at the moment, I have a great job, I have a beautiful boyfriend and things are generally going okay. So why do I feel like I'm going insane with thoughts of what I should be doing and how I could improve on things. I even won two tickets to travel first class on the Eurostar to Paris. I plan of giving them to my mum and my sister who hasn't been on a holiday outside the UK since she was twelve. Seeing as she is now twenty-three and stuck with two little one most the time this gift should really make her happy which in-turn should make me really happy. Im sat here with a Brandy on the rocks and a cigaret staring into my blog totally confused as to what I should write in order to off loads some of my troubles. Everywhere I look there is something reminding me of feeling incomplete. Could it be some form of depression and anxiety? Should I think about going for counseling? Trouble is it would take far to long to explain every little detail in order to get some truly inspiring advice. Not to mention too expensive. My mother has battled with depression for years although she has come a long way from that terrible night she tried to kill herself in front of a closeted gay father. Things have got a lot better for her since the days she was struggling taking care of my autistic brother in a loveless marriage. In fact things are a whole lot better for all my family now we are no longer living together. You would be forgiven for thinking that some of the things I mention have contributed to this current feeling Im having but if I'm honest I cant pin it on these events or any others. Years of physical bullying in school and my failed civil partnership with a boy I though was the one also cant be blamed.

If I had to be truly honest I would have to say that this current feeling is due to always wanting more and never being satisfied. I am a product of my generation and that is it. We want everything and we want it right now. All those years study Buddhism did help me through some troubled times when I was in my teens but ultimately organised religion just didn't fit in with my social life. I wanted parties, holidays, success, money, good looks and loads of other superficial human needs. Today I was walking home and all I could think about was buying some new clothes and now boring friday night will be because I have to spend it with the boys friends who don't drink or do drugs. 

How do I get more substance? I need that right now more than anything. Real things that matter. I think I may already have the answer but I am hiding it from myself because I am scared that I may become regular, one of those people that do normal things. I don't want that but I know I cant go on like this. If only there was a way of being me and being content.

>>20 minutes later...

Since the last paragraph and this one I cycled out to collect my winning Eurostar tickets. It turns out they are not first class Eurostar tickets but regular ones. No matter because my mood has been lifted. As Hazel the pretty blond girl handed me the tickets through the bars of her gated apartment complex I was reminded why these ticket came into my possession. I was at a fundraiser party last weekend and two particularly pushing young east london trendy types were making it impossible for me not to purchase £10 worth of raffle tickets. All the money raised was going to their friend who was dying of cancer. At the time I though £10 was a little steep but who can put a price on cancer so I reluctantly reached into my almost empty wallet and pulled out my last £10. Who would have thought that it would take me winning first prize and collecting this prize from her best mate to make me realise I'm a selfish twat. She handed them over to me and said, "thank you so much for buying the tickets". This realisation and a bit of exercise on the bike has resurrected me from my selfishness. It's not just me dealing with life!

Its must be having too much time to indulge in ones self that leads to feelings of anxiety and depression. Fair enough if you cant control it but I have no excuse. I can give myself a kick up the ass when I need it. The trick is not to forget.