My blog the psychiatrist

I wanted to start a blog because I thought that it would make for a fantastic form of therapy and so far its working out pretty well. My blog is my own personal psychiatrist, always on call, always available and has a memory like a reference library. The more open and honest I am with my blog the better it serves me. I can off load my troubles in a clear and open fashion, then revisit them if I feel like I need a reminder to prompt a new perspective. Right now I feel a dumping of brain ache coming on and am so grateful that Mr. blog is hear to receive my rather heavy deposit.

This Christmas I have been with my mum and her boyfriend, my younger sister and her family, nephew, niece, husband and my disabled brother. Mum and her boyfriend have just moved into a beautiful little house in a sleepy seaside town for their retirement. Its so peaceful and much more than I ever could have hoped for my mum. Thankfully her boyfriends divorce payout is providing her with the life she always deserved. My sister who I love dearly is so different from me. Her and her husbands total lack of common sense and social etiquette antagonizes me into someone I don't particularly like. They come out with so much nonsense about the world that I find myself biting my tongue until I feel like I could explode, which sometimes I do.

Visiting my sixty eight year old dad and his twenty seven year old boyfriend is challenging at the best of times but when you are also accompanied by your chav sister and brother-in-law, disabled brother and screaming nephew and niece it can make for a rather challenging environment. My sister and I have always bickered but when we are around my father it becomes worse. Its like we are competing for his attention which is beyond me because he has the attention span of a eight year old and she would always win anyway. My sister seems to have been brought up with a totally different vocabulary to me which relies heavily on phrases such as 'shut your mouth', 'thats gay' and 'yeah, whatever'. Normally I can muster up enough control to not react to her and her simplistic husbands comments but when I hear something which I find beyond ignorant I find myself speaking my mind. Maybe it doesn't even really matter but I hate the thought of her going about her daily life with ideas that seem like they have come fresh out of The Daily Mail, not even the Daily Mail, The Sun. (all tabloid newspapers written for the ignorant masses). Since serving up christmas dinner she has given me filthy looks and ignored me because I told her husband that his comment suggesting that Goldschlager, (a clear liqueur with very thin, yet visible flakes of gold leaf floating in it) caused small cuts in your throat as you drank it was an urban myth. He disagreed by telling me I was wrong and I graciously surrendered to his nonsense. This was somehow enough for me to get the cold shoulder from them both for the remainder of the day which was followed by a few bitchy comments during the gay dad visit. In fact as I write this now she is sat across from me half watching depressing soap operas on TV whilst throwing me the occasional dirty look. The nephew wasn't even allowed to say good night to me before going to bed.

I wish dearly that we could all get on like a regular family but ultimately I left this mess of a family when I was eighteen which has caused a constant feeling of guilt ever since. Despite no being their in person I have managed to put a great deal of long distance emotional support into my them over the years. My mother and brother have received the most of my attentions due to the fact that they needed the most help. I guess that this was the time I lost my sister a bit and she found her own way with the rather misguided support of our father and her chav friends. Basically I feel like such an outsider when Im with my sister, my dad and his much younger boyfriend. My sister and the boyfriend make no secret of the fact that their relationship together is better than anything my sister and I have had together and all I can think when Im around them is I wish just one person in this room had something funny or interesting to say.

As dad drove my brother and I back to mums he asked if it was strange coming back to the village I grew up in. I replied that it makes me feel pretty low because I remember being so deeply sad as a child.  His reaction to this was to say that none of that matters anymore because things are better now. He then went on to talk about his favorite topic of conversation, his club promoting work. I just sat in the back seat and cried quietly as he talked. Thank god for my blog. Its so important for me to share this information with the blog because nobody really has the time to listen to it in the real world; unless they're being paid of course.

Rabbit Hole

I was so happy to discover that director John Cameron Mitchell (Maker of Hedwig and the Angry Inch and Shortbus) had made another film that I wasted no time in locating it and watching it alone.  John Cameron Mitchell has this rather gifted ability to reveal each layer of a character in four dimensions. The fourth being the part of the character than transcends the film and directly relates to a memory you had as a  child or a feeling you didn't think anyone else was capable of having.  Rabbit Hole is a story about one couples struggle to come to terms with the loss of their four year old son. Becca (Nicole Kidman) finds little solace in her family and husband Howie (Aaron Eckhart). Her only comfort is found in troubled high school kid Jason who was involved in her son accident. His love of illustrating comic books opens a small portal into a life with less emotional pain. "Somewhere out their I'm having a really good time".

A John Cameron Mitchell film feels like someone cracking open your chest to squeeze your heart back into life because even though you didn't know it you were in a coma. I'm reminded of important memories that had somehow been forgotten due to time and distraction and the melancholy joy that is felt when they are regained leaves me rejuvenated and complete. If I could script my own life like a John Cameron Mitchell film I am almost certain that I would reach an enlightenment like no other. The lessons I learn are so important but like the image of a loved one that has passed away fades so do my memories. But then, there in the bottom of a bag or at the back of a wardrobe is that memory and for a moment you remember what its like to be a whole person.

http://rabbitholefilm.com/main.html#/about/

Tomorrow is Christmas Day and thoughts of the approaching new year are in my mind. Maybe this year will be my chance to have John agree to direct my life into a beautiful enlightening moment. I think that it wont take too much of a stretch of my imagination to make it happen.

Photo credit: JoJo Whilden

Breaking the spell

It's been a while since my last blog and since then and now I have had a few changes of heart and some brand new perspectives. My main troubles over the past month have involved my battle coping with the intimacy issues triggered by my first valid relationship since the failed marriage. I've been spending so much time worrying about why I was losing sexual interest in the boy whilst figuring out what I needed to get to the bottom of why this was happening in order to avoid repeating any of the mistakes I had made with my last relationship. I knew that these problems didn't have anything to do with the boy because he is the first guy in a long time that has got my attention with his kindness, creativity, passion and good looks. Basically he's a great guy who I can trust and build something with. I knew that I had to be upfront and honest with him about my sexual stage fright. We had a night together where we had sex and I was unable to cum again. I was so paranoid about what he was thinking. Thankfully he asked me why I hadn't cum. I took and deep breath and explained to him that when I really like someone I find it hard to relax and enjoy sex with them. I also explained that now I had shared this with him it would break the spell, relieving some of the pressure, allowing me to get through it. He was so understanding and wasn't at all paranoid that it was anything to do with him. He agreed that now it was out in the open that things would get better. I was a little worried that thing weren't going to turn out as predicted but within a week I was feeling more relaxed and the sex became a whole lot better. My feelings for him have become more intense now that my theory about my intimacy issues were confirmed. Maybe there are more spells to be broken.

I know I'm not totally out of the woods yet because I'm still using manroulette for the occasional online wank but I know this will pass. My need to look elsewhere for satisfaction is triggered by my fear of losing someone I care about. The closer I get to the boy the more destructive my instincts become at canceling out any good in my life that could possibly hurt me in the future. Falling in love with the boy would be the greatest emotional risk I could put myself through. The more I learn to trust him the more I will allow myself to fall for him. He's a slow burner just like me so I think he will stick around for the journey. I don't think he's the type of guy to fall in love after the first few weeks or months and for this reason I think he understands. He has his own issues and I'm sure we will both have many more emotional barriers to work though together or alone. As long as we can trust each other and face our personal problems without blinkers on or convenient distractions I'm sure things will be just fine. {Crosses fingers}.

Being in the know

Yesterday was my 31st birthday and it was the first time I ever felt well and truly regular. All my other birthdays before had some resonance of excitement rippling from my childhood but this birthday was just another day in the week. Despite having a massage at a swanky spa followed by a delicious meal in a cozy little restaurant in Soho I felt like stone. For a brief minute whilst walking through Soho I felt some memories from a few years ago wash over me and make me feel a tingle of excitement. This was instantly followed by a feeling of melancholy due to being reminded of a time where I was happily married to a boy I loved and to a time I was pretty much care free. Now I know that I have this ability to look at past memories incorrectly depending on my serotonin levels and current predicaments, but my logic it seems, always has a loosing battle with my emotional state of mind.

Despite his work schedule demanding late nights the boy had made the effort to meet me after work and take me out for a really nice meal. I really appreciated that he had made the effort to choose a fantastic restaurant and pick out some great wines to complement our choices starters and mains on the menu. He looked very handsome, especially with the victorian backdrop of the restaurant and I thought to myself why cant I just enjoy this, enjoy him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and for some reason I'm having trouble desiring him sexually. I have this stage fright when we get intimate together, which I think is due to the fact that I like him. If he didn't care about me I wouldn't have trouble in the bedroom. I find this beyond frustrating and I wish to god I knew what to do to change it. Maybe if I was to realise that I could lose him at any moment this stage fright would pass.

I keep reminding myself that dealing with these issues is the most important thing I can conquer. I imagine being old and alone, dealing with illness alone and I know that everyone needs someone whether it be a lover or a friend. No matter who they are they need to know you better than you know yourself and you need to believe that they are the most precious thing in your life. This is how you face the future, knowing love. Once you have truly loved and received true love in return can you deal with anything. I know that I am a little emotionally damaged but I hope to god that this wont stop me from being in the know. The boy is a very good companion and I need to learn to trust and feel safe, maybe then I will start to enjoy all the marvelous things life throws at me.

Hermit style

This week has mostly been spent worrying about how I go about regaining my sexual desire for the boy. I have deconstructed why this may be happening and have only come to one conclusion. I am a little damaged still from my last relationship, the childhood memories of my parents relationship compelling me to doubt what I have with the boy because he isn't causing me any emotional harm. I know very well that if he was I would desire him more than anything.  My mother and father argued almost everyday as far back as I can remember. At times it would get out of control and I would sit at the top of the stairs trying to figure out whether I should intervene. I knew that my my mear presents would cause them to cease fire possibly just in time before someone got hurt. When I was a kid I thought that all parents did this to one another. My mother despised my father for his total lack of affection and my father was too busy dealing with his closeted  homosexuality to see how much he was hurting my mother. What with this and raising my baby sister and autistic brother they didn't notice that I was completely mental. When my childhood was at its peek of utter misery I was regally drinking detergents to make myself sick so I didn't have to go into school and deal with the puissant physical bullying. I was eleven years old and I believed that all love was filled with rage. I even developed a sexual attraction to one of the boys who spent most his free time verbally and physically bulling me.

As I grew up and became an adult life took a complete u-turn and I soon discovered that the more control I had of my environment the better I could make it. I learnt to leave painful memories behind me and focus on all things positive. Turning eighteen and moving to a housing co-operative in London with a bunch of punks was the pinnacle of having full control and being happy. Although I had still not come out as gay and was trying my best to appear as asexual as possible. I denied all sexual pursuits and lived an entirely celibate existence. The thought of being in a healthy physical relationship with another guy was way beyond my comprehension. I had convinced myself that being alone forever wasn't as bad as everyone made out and being happy as a single guy was something to strive for. I think I had it right a little bit but the reality was that I was avoiding all my desires due to a deep rooted fear of being rejected.

Some years later after finally coming to terms with being gay, my father being gay and my mother realising that it wasn't her fault I met the first true love of my life. Just as I am doing now with the current boy I experienced a fear of rejection and counter rejected by obsessing over other random men on the internet. As soon as I get close to a guy my behavior becomes selfish and destructive. My last relationship lasted four years but in the second year I had laid some negative foundations which resulted in him in falling in love with mutual friends of ours and starting affairs with them. I still cant be fully sure until this day but I am almost certain that everyone I regarded a close friend kept this from me for years whilst it was happening and even after we had split up. I had very little trust for everyone around me for a long time and went back to working out how to be a happy hermit.

Three years later after some major rebuilding of old friendships and some forging of new ones I found myself in a stable position and in a mindset to pursue a relationship with someone new. Within a few weeks I had met the current boy who had all the qualities I look for in a guy which was funny because that whole three years of dating had produced not one suitor. The boy is successful, kind, intelligent, creative, patient, respectful, passionate, trustworthy, beautiful, sexy and on occasion will make poor fashion judgements which just adds to his charm. So here I am on the cusp of making all the same mistakes as I did with the last failed relationship and for what? A fear of being rejected again and losing control or maybe its a fear of the love being replaced with rage or even worse, melancholy. I need to get over all these fears, stop being a cold fish and enter love. Its okay to desire sex with someone who respects you and cares about you but still this overwhelming doubt. Maybe I have this all wrong and that the boy just isn't the one. Look at the evidence and you can see that logic is spelling out ISSUES. I need to deal with this all if I am ever to enter love with anyone.