It's been a while since my last blog and since then and now I have had a few changes of heart and some brand new perspectives. My main troubles over the past month have involved my battle coping with the intimacy issues triggered by my first valid relationship since the failed marriage. I've been spending so much time worrying about why I was losing sexual interest in the boy whilst figuring out what I needed to get to the bottom of why this was happening in order to avoid repeating any of the mistakes I had made with my last relationship. I knew that these problems didn't have anything to do with the boy because he is the first guy in a long time that has got my attention with his kindness, creativity, passion and good looks. Basically he's a great guy who I can trust and build something with. I knew that I had to be upfront and honest with him about my sexual stage fright. We had a night together where we had sex and I was unable to cum again. I was so paranoid about what he was thinking. Thankfully he asked me why I hadn't cum. I took and deep breath and explained to him that when I really like someone I find it hard to relax and enjoy sex with them. I also explained that now I had shared this with him it would break the spell, relieving some of the pressure, allowing me to get through it. He was so understanding and wasn't at all paranoid that it was anything to do with him. He agreed that now it was out in the open that things would get better. I was a little worried that thing weren't going to turn out as predicted but within a week I was feeling more relaxed and the sex became a whole lot better. My feelings for him have become more intense now that my theory about my intimacy issues were confirmed. Maybe there are more spells to be broken.
I know I'm not totally out of the woods yet because I'm still using manroulette for the occasional online wank but I know this will pass. My need to look elsewhere for satisfaction is triggered by my fear of losing someone I care about. The closer I get to the boy the more destructive my instincts become at canceling out any good in my life that could possibly hurt me in the future. Falling in love with the boy would be the greatest emotional risk I could put myself through. The more I learn to trust him the more I will allow myself to fall for him. He's a slow burner just like me so I think he will stick around for the journey. I don't think he's the type of guy to fall in love after the first few weeks or months and for this reason I think he understands. He has his own issues and I'm sure we will both have many more emotional barriers to work though together or alone. As long as we can trust each other and face our personal problems without blinkers on or convenient distractions I'm sure things will be just fine. {Crosses fingers}.
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