Hermit style

This week has mostly been spent worrying about how I go about regaining my sexual desire for the boy. I have deconstructed why this may be happening and have only come to one conclusion. I am a little damaged still from my last relationship, the childhood memories of my parents relationship compelling me to doubt what I have with the boy because he isn't causing me any emotional harm. I know very well that if he was I would desire him more than anything.  My mother and father argued almost everyday as far back as I can remember. At times it would get out of control and I would sit at the top of the stairs trying to figure out whether I should intervene. I knew that my my mear presents would cause them to cease fire possibly just in time before someone got hurt. When I was a kid I thought that all parents did this to one another. My mother despised my father for his total lack of affection and my father was too busy dealing with his closeted  homosexuality to see how much he was hurting my mother. What with this and raising my baby sister and autistic brother they didn't notice that I was completely mental. When my childhood was at its peek of utter misery I was regally drinking detergents to make myself sick so I didn't have to go into school and deal with the puissant physical bullying. I was eleven years old and I believed that all love was filled with rage. I even developed a sexual attraction to one of the boys who spent most his free time verbally and physically bulling me.

As I grew up and became an adult life took a complete u-turn and I soon discovered that the more control I had of my environment the better I could make it. I learnt to leave painful memories behind me and focus on all things positive. Turning eighteen and moving to a housing co-operative in London with a bunch of punks was the pinnacle of having full control and being happy. Although I had still not come out as gay and was trying my best to appear as asexual as possible. I denied all sexual pursuits and lived an entirely celibate existence. The thought of being in a healthy physical relationship with another guy was way beyond my comprehension. I had convinced myself that being alone forever wasn't as bad as everyone made out and being happy as a single guy was something to strive for. I think I had it right a little bit but the reality was that I was avoiding all my desires due to a deep rooted fear of being rejected.

Some years later after finally coming to terms with being gay, my father being gay and my mother realising that it wasn't her fault I met the first true love of my life. Just as I am doing now with the current boy I experienced a fear of rejection and counter rejected by obsessing over other random men on the internet. As soon as I get close to a guy my behavior becomes selfish and destructive. My last relationship lasted four years but in the second year I had laid some negative foundations which resulted in him in falling in love with mutual friends of ours and starting affairs with them. I still cant be fully sure until this day but I am almost certain that everyone I regarded a close friend kept this from me for years whilst it was happening and even after we had split up. I had very little trust for everyone around me for a long time and went back to working out how to be a happy hermit.

Three years later after some major rebuilding of old friendships and some forging of new ones I found myself in a stable position and in a mindset to pursue a relationship with someone new. Within a few weeks I had met the current boy who had all the qualities I look for in a guy which was funny because that whole three years of dating had produced not one suitor. The boy is successful, kind, intelligent, creative, patient, respectful, passionate, trustworthy, beautiful, sexy and on occasion will make poor fashion judgements which just adds to his charm. So here I am on the cusp of making all the same mistakes as I did with the last failed relationship and for what? A fear of being rejected again and losing control or maybe its a fear of the love being replaced with rage or even worse, melancholy. I need to get over all these fears, stop being a cold fish and enter love. Its okay to desire sex with someone who respects you and cares about you but still this overwhelming doubt. Maybe I have this all wrong and that the boy just isn't the one. Look at the evidence and you can see that logic is spelling out ISSUES. I need to deal with this all if I am ever to enter love with anyone.