Being in the know

Yesterday was my 31st birthday and it was the first time I ever felt well and truly regular. All my other birthdays before had some resonance of excitement rippling from my childhood but this birthday was just another day in the week. Despite having a massage at a swanky spa followed by a delicious meal in a cozy little restaurant in Soho I felt like stone. For a brief minute whilst walking through Soho I felt some memories from a few years ago wash over me and make me feel a tingle of excitement. This was instantly followed by a feeling of melancholy due to being reminded of a time where I was happily married to a boy I loved and to a time I was pretty much care free. Now I know that I have this ability to look at past memories incorrectly depending on my serotonin levels and current predicaments, but my logic it seems, always has a loosing battle with my emotional state of mind.

Despite his work schedule demanding late nights the boy had made the effort to meet me after work and take me out for a really nice meal. I really appreciated that he had made the effort to choose a fantastic restaurant and pick out some great wines to complement our choices starters and mains on the menu. He looked very handsome, especially with the victorian backdrop of the restaurant and I thought to myself why cant I just enjoy this, enjoy him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and for some reason I'm having trouble desiring him sexually. I have this stage fright when we get intimate together, which I think is due to the fact that I like him. If he didn't care about me I wouldn't have trouble in the bedroom. I find this beyond frustrating and I wish to god I knew what to do to change it. Maybe if I was to realise that I could lose him at any moment this stage fright would pass.

I keep reminding myself that dealing with these issues is the most important thing I can conquer. I imagine being old and alone, dealing with illness alone and I know that everyone needs someone whether it be a lover or a friend. No matter who they are they need to know you better than you know yourself and you need to believe that they are the most precious thing in your life. This is how you face the future, knowing love. Once you have truly loved and received true love in return can you deal with anything. I know that I am a little emotionally damaged but I hope to god that this wont stop me from being in the know. The boy is a very good companion and I need to learn to trust and feel safe, maybe then I will start to enjoy all the marvelous things life throws at me.