Don't do an Amy

Buprenorphine has taken a lot of strength to get use to. The methadone withdrawal I experienced over the weekend has been extended into the first few days of taking this new drug Buprenorphine. My doctor tells me it works in a completely different way to other opiate-based medication and my body needs to adjust to new ways in which it works. Today, however I was sent home from work for looking so terribly ill. Little do my colleagues know this is the face of withdrawal. Its not a pretty sight but seeing as I was able to pull my tired body out of bed this morning I though that I would be well enough to come into work. I made the most of my time off by going to the addiction clinic again and asking the doctor to increase my 8mg of Buprenorphine to a higher dose. He happily prescribed me 12mg a day and sent me on my way. It hasn’t had a huge amount of affect though and I am hoping that I wont need to be prescribed any more. I really don’t want to be taking huge amounts of this drug now. I would like to think that I can be my normal self again in a few months and the higher I go the longer it takes to come off it. At least I’m off the methadone. That was scaring me. It feels so good taking that every morning I knew that if I kept on taking it I wouldn’t be able to ever come off it.

Amy Winehouse’s toxicology results from her postmortem were returned to the Winehouse family today and confirm that there were no illegal substances in Amy's system at the time of her death. Its kind of scary to think that Amy was in recovery and that whatever caused her death was probably the thing that was supposed to save her. With this in mind I want to tread carefully. I dont want to do an Amy on everyone. Its funny how during the time I was an addict I behaved like I was invincible and in recovery I am so sensitive to how delicate human life is. Its can be taken away in a moment in hundreds of thousands of ways and yet we buzz about our lives almost unaware that every second should be cherished like it was your last. The rest of my day off was spent with the Italian American. He is so adorable I have no idea what I will do when he returns to NYC. But I’m not going spend to much time thinking about it now. Cherish every second.

Personal Battles and Riots

Eight weeks have past since my last blog and my first dose of prescribed methadone. In that time we witnessed the untimely death of Amy Winehouse and angry youth rioting across the UK. I haven’t felt the need to write any of my experiences or feeling down because my thoughts over these past few weeks have been all consuming. It’s been like I have been fighting this civil war inside my body, each day an aspect of my personality a new battle ground. Despite this it’s still given me my life back, methadone has been my reintroduction back into reality. I have had to give up putting any other drug into my body in order to win back me. Friends have noticed I have given up drugs and are more surprised to see I have given up drinking. It has created an air of suspicion as to the driving force behind this choice of abstinence. Most my party friends have been to high to really notice or care but their have been a few that see it as a judgment towards their choice of lifestyle. Little do they know what it takes to do what I have done? It’s taken weeks of rewiring my brain, trying to regain that sparkle and optimism I once had. I can’t take all the credit. The introduction of the Italian American, has reminded me that all of this is worthwhile. His faith in me to regain control has been phenomenal. A UPen Graduate, law degree but most of all one of the most caring, understanding and most handsome men I have ever met. Unfortunately this romance is on a countdown. He is at the end of a two-year stay here in London and is returning to NYC mid September. When I told him about my addiction I was so scared. It was like coming out as gay again. I was so scared he would think that I was dirty or damaged. It took me a day to let the words pass my lips. From the night I said there was something I needed to tell him to the next day when he finally convinced me that no matter what it was it would never change the way he felt about me, I finally said. I’m a recovering heroin addict. He just held me tight and said “thank you for telling me, I can help now”. This was the moment all my faith in worldly things were restored and I felt for the first time since 2006 love. I’m sure anyone reading this would laugh at how pathetic I am but I tell you it takes an extraordinary person to empathise with another when they have no personal experience with the issue in hand. I mean he hasn’t ever done a drug in his life. How is it possible that he cares enough to help. It’s not as though he’s desperate. Good-looking, intelligent, successful guy wants to help me. Messed up, recovering drug addict with abandonment issues. I’m not being down on myself. I know there is more to me than that but he can see it. Something in me is worth saving. Of cause I fell in love with him.

He came and saved the day when the addiction clinic wouldn’t let me take home my medication. It’s a controlled substance, incredible strong and I had to prove to them that I was responsible to take my medicine on my own and not under the watchful eye of my local pharmacist. Thing is this meant for me having to give up my job. I’m sent away all the time, to hotels across the UK and without take home medication I would have to join the 66000 unemployed in the jobseekers queue. The Italian American came over to my place helped me to gather all my papers as proof of working away and wrote a letter; a character reference alongside all my paperwork to prove to all the professionals at the addiction clinic that I was responsible enough to take home my medication. His letter was amazing. I was so impressed with his commitment and authority. He hand delivered it and within the next 24 hours I was deemed fit enough to manage my own medication. I realsied pretty soon after this that for me to show him the same level of commitment and understanding I would have to no longer depend upon him and that I must show him before he goes away that I can do this on my own. So as I sit here aching all over from the withdrawal of coming off methadone, remembering all the horrible mental and physical side effects, I am thinking of him and that taking this next step to recovery before he leaves for America is a weight off his mind. I know he cares for me a lot so I can’t have him worrying about me. When he gets back from Greece I will be fully recovered and onto subutex. This drug is the final stage of addiction recovery and once I stabilize on this and continue to stay t-total I will be well into the last faze and just weeks away from going back to normal. My best friend ‘Pig’ who is also on subutex asked me today if we have stepped into dangerous territory now, by taking heroin we have open the door. We can get on the right side but that door will never close.  I told him that Yeah I had that fear but ultimately it’s down to yourself to alter your perception for your greater good. You could say that having a complete knowledge of addiction from the cause to the recovery is a much better position to be in. Without it we could accidentally spark a riot inside of us and destroy all the good in our life’s. We now know the true cost of feeling high on this drug. I prefer feeling good with the use of my own bodies natural chemicals. The quest of understanding how to control your own natural endorphins, serotonin. Exercise, travel, career, love et cetera. None of these natural highs exists when you choose to take heroin. It’s a pretty easy equation to calculate. We just have to remember the facts and take charge of ourselves. 

Choose Life

A week ago a friend of mine killed himself. I received a call from his best friend whilst I was on a shoot in Manchester. I knew something was wrong because I hadn't heard from her in months. We had drifted apart as people do in London. Two years ago we had all been very close, spending weekends in the country together and the occasional party in Soho House. I answered the phone to her knowing that something had happened to him but nothing prepared me for what she was about to tell me. He had thrown himself off a building after battling with alcohol addiction. I knew he liked a drink but I had no idea that he had a problem with alcohol. I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt that I had not spoken to him for over six months. If I had known maybe I could have been more of a friend. She assured me that everything had been done to help him. She explained that his boyfriend and her had helped him by booking him into the priory. They had attempted to do this twice and on both occasions he had tried to smuggle in vodka. In the end he refused their support and returned to his childhood home in Poland to be with his family. This obviously had no affect on his recovery because within a few weeks he deiced to end it all by jumping to his death. Despite not feeling much of a connection with him in recent months I felt really effected by his suicide. I guess I related to his addiction and his loneliness. I instantly decided that however bad its gets I will always choose life. So if I choose life then why the hell am I'm playing this irresponsible game with my own well-being.

Today I collected my first dose of Methadone. 35ml to be taken supervised for the first four days followed by a review to see how I am getting on. If I follow the rules I could be fully recovered in three months. It was such a pleasant surprise to find that the people in the clinic and the pharmacist in the chemists were all so friendly and supportive and not at all judgmental. They didn't even seem surprised that someone like myself with a full-time job and a polite manner could be a junky. I know for a fact that my current path was going to ruin my career and cut me off from my friends. Today is the first time in ages that my anxiety levels are back to normal and I can see a realistic solution to my current situation. I'm back in control and its time to prioritise and focus on the long-term goals and  ambitions that lead to a happier more complete me. I have so much going for me, a great career, some great friends and a decisive attitude towards life. Both of which could have easily slipped through my fingers. I barely noticed them fading away because of the brown hazes I had built up around myself. This is it now, choose life and everything else will slowly fall into place. Its so sad that its to late for my recently departed friend but  his desperately sad exit from this world has been a huge lesson for me. Never give up and never give in.

Walking a tightrope

It’s been quite some time since my last blog and a great deal has happened between now and then. I had two major health scares, HIV and Cancer. Both of which turned out to be other less serious complications. My endoscopy results came back telling me I've been host to an intestinal parasite for over six years that I picked it up in Cambodia. At the time I was very ill with giardia enteritis and apparently a parasite called Coccidia that has remained untraceable in my small intestine for all that time. I also had unprotected sex with a few different guys and got the fear that I had contracted HIV. In fact I haven’t been able to blog through fear of manifesting the disease somehow.

I had also got myself into a bit of a pickle with my brown consumption. I was doing it everyday for the past two months. Really stupid!! I’ve had to delete all the phone numbers from my phone because I don’t have any willpower. If I have a means of getting it I will. The first four days coming off it were living hell. The only relief came with Nurofen Plus which has 12.8mg of Codeine per pill. I discovered that if I took 16 pills a day I could reduce that terrible feeling of withdraw. The only down side is that they mix codeine with 200mg ibuprofen which can make your stomach bleed if you take too much of it. So I was taking 3200mg of ibuprofen and only 204.8mg of codeine. This had to stop so I’ve been slowly reducing the amount of pills I take a day then moved onto codeine mixed with paracetamol. The thing is the amount of codeine to paracetamol is 8mg to 500mg. So I’m taking 12 of them a day that’s 6000mg of paracetamol and only 96mg of codeine. It’s a bugger but tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor in the hope that a complaint for back pain will supply me with a prescription of codeine which comes in the slightly more attractive ratio of 30mg codeine to 500mg paracetamol. I wont get prescribed much but it will be a great help as I come off the naughty stuff.

If Im totally honest I cant ever see myself not taking brown again despite all of the bother its caused me. I have this condition where I can’t be ordinary and I will always search for something to distract me from just how ordinary I can be. I had always dreamt of countless amazing adventures as a teenager and I can honestly say I haven’t disappointed myself by not taking every opportunity to do something new and exciting but now I’m scrutinizing my life and feel this incredible void within me. I wish I knew what it is I need to fill it. A boyfriend? No. A career change? No. An environment change? Maybe. The truth is I have no idea and the best temporary filler for this void is brown; an easy yet dangerous choice of temporary filler and the danger and secrecy is half of the attraction. It’s warm inviting cuddles are sometimes too much to resist and before you know it you can find yourself in a brown haze destined for a life of complete dependency. And that’s not the only reason why I should stop. When people take brown they slowly disappear. Its like they retreat into a safer less complicated world that is completely in their imagination. From the inside they are safe and happy but as soon as they are no longer high they see what everyone from the outside can see. The reality!! They just lose their spark, their lust for life. I had lost my spark and that cant happen to me. I would then be worse than ordinary, I would be as good as dead. With all this in mind I have got to make sure I never take brown again or only take it very rarely. If the truth be told I should never think of it ever again but what is worse; a consent void or an occasional void whilst walking a tightrope.

The therapist

I haven’t written a blog for some time now. This has been mainly due to a rather unconventional encounter with a Psychoanalyst. I had come home from a shoot in the midlands and found myself unpacking my bag on a Saturday night without any exciting plans for the night. I logged on to one of my gay networking sites and found a message from a guy whose profile contained a video of him being ass fucked. I don’t know if it was the fear of having nothing to do on a Saturday night or the lure of his promise to provide me with a selection of chemical highs but I wasted no time in ignoring the video and hopping onto my bike and cycling over his.

Have you ever met a person who scares you but also makes you feel safe? Who comforts you then torments you? Well this guy bounced my feelings all over the place like an emotional yoyo. At moments I felt like I could share my whole world with him and at other points I felt like he was mocking me and I wanted to hide. I quietly considered that everything he did was a test to help me realise things about myself, which would in turn release me from the negative tendencies I had imposed upon myself. Despite the fact that the whole situation was without any doubt incredibly fucked up I did feel that my eyes had been opened and that I had finally faced some monumental demons. We were very high and this obviously made the whole experience more intense and my sexual behaviour between these yo-yoing emotional therapy sessions shocked me to my core as well as feeling amazing. It seemed that nothing I experienced that night and day could be categorised or placed.

The most memorable part of the encounter was when I felt so comfortable with him I shared my blog. I didn’t expect him to read it in as much detail as he did and his in-depth analyses of what I had written had turned out to be some what of a revelation. I felt exposed and venerable. I was not sure if someone in the situation we were in should know more about me than I did myself. Afterwards I doubted many personal pursuits and choices I had in my life; one of which the pursuit to find an emotional togetherness with a sexual liaison. I wanted to go somewhere on my own to reassess my choices but his reaction to my change in mood had scared me. He went from being my councillor to someone who was just as insecure and awkward as I am. It was good to see this side of him because I needed to be reminded that we all experience human frailty and we all need to take good care of ourselves. I left his place with a new perspective and with a plan to encourage myself to make better choices and enjoy each moment with urgent and complete attention. If you happen to be reading this, thank you. I wish that you will someday meet someone who can do for you what you did for me even though you probably think you don’t need it.

Pursuit of another

I am better at being a single man than I am a man in a relationship. Its not that I am unable to perform or feel all the necessary emotions and gestures required to be connected with another human being its more that other people have a real tough time understanding me. I went on a date tonight with a lovely guy and I made every effort to subtly reveal my inner most thoughts through humors analogies and personal memories, only to be confronted with the most basic black 'n' white opinions that made no reference to anything I was attempting to communicate with him. Maybe I expect far too much from people but this doesn't seem to be the case when it comes to my close friends. I am able to crudely blurt out an idea or concept to a good friend and receive a genuine connected response. So why is it I can't have a similar experience with a guy I have the hots for? Imagine how amazing it would be to have the combination of sexual attraction and mental connection. This is what I predict love to be. I have felt it once before with a naive, younger mind but to feel this with a mature more selective state of consciousness would be in a word, immaculate.

I've deiced that although I am deserving I am not ready for an immaculate experience at this point in time. If I was I wouldn't be writing about how I am unable to require it and instead I would be telling you about how wonderful it is to be truly satisfied in everything and emotionally complete. How ever negative this may sound I am very happy at the moment because I have once again proved to myself that I enjoy my own company and that I like myself. This may not seem like much to you but this is coming from a individual who use to think very little of himself. I have a core set of values and morals all my own that I respect and honor at all times and this is why I don't dislike who I am. If I had to improve anything it would be to reduce my constant self obsessing, which isn't all that bad or all that narcissistic. It would be nice to meet someone I fancied who understood this fully but its not essential. Until then their are good friends, interesting dates and alone time that can stimulate and satisfy much more than the pursuit of another.

Skinner's box

Getting over the boy has been easier than I thought. Coming to terms with being dumped, less so. Now that a few days have passed by I can see very clearly that I was way more into having a boyfriend than I was into him. He was great in so many ways but the spark was defiantly being generated by my desire to be in a serious relationship rather than desiring him. I also have this novel idea that being in a relationship keeps me out of trouble. It’s really unfair of me to impose this onto another. I should be able to keep myself out of trouble all on my own. What I can take from this experience is that I have the patients and the empathy required to be in love with another person. He was like my stepping stone relationship, bridging the gab between not trusting to trusting again. The first serious relationship I have had with a guy since my ex husband. I had three long years as a single before entering into a relationship again and I think I knew that it was way over schedule. At least now I am sure that I have the ability to leave behind the past and enter into something new without repeating the same mistakes.

This isn't exactly the beginning of a new year I had in mind, suffering from withdraw, flu and another failed relationship, but I have my logical thought is in tact. I can see what needs fixing and what can wait. Prioritising all the work that needs to be done on me with my very own DIY Psychology. I came across this psychologist on a BBC documentary called Burrhus Frederic Skinner, who was also an inventor and poet. He created this technique to train new behaviors in pigeons and rats in the hope the same techniques could be used on humans and control the negative behaviors of the masses. Despite people rejecting his research as damaging to free will his research has filtered down into our every day lives in the way we take care of one another. Encouraging positive change into the people we care about in a more precise fashion. You could almost describe it as progressive manipulation. Skinner invented a box called the operant conditioning chamber which would ingrain these new behaviors into the animals he humanely tested his theories on. Things are so much more simpler to work with when they are condensed into a box. If I were to take all the things that take precedents in my life, put them in a box and arrange them in such a way I could retrain my process of thought. I could eliminate negative behaviors and become an enlightened individual, finally free from all my negative restraints. So why is it I don't proceed with my experiment? What is it that I am scared of losing? In some ways it may be my youth, which is also my frailty. Without my human frailty I would have to take responsibility for all that has passed and all that is to come. Someone isn't going to come into my life put me in a box for a few days and renew me into the person I want to be. I have to accept that I should do it on my own without even a little bit of help. If I waited for help from somewhere else it could be too late.

Cognitive dissociation extraordinaire

Yesterday I was dumped. Completely out of the blue. I mean why did he get me to meet his parents only two weeks beforehand? Why did he get me tickets to see Chris Cunningham in the month of July for my Christmas present? Every vibe I've been receiving from him for the past month has suggested this relationship was going somewhere. This saturday we agreed to have a chilled day together. I had planned some simple, fun events for us and was excited about sharing in a wholesome day with my boy. I sent him a text at 11am telling him I had a little something planed for us and that I would be over to collect him at 1pm. His reply 'Hey beautiful, would be really good for us to have a chat today. Could I come over in the next hour?' As soon as I read this I knew immediately that he was finishing with me. I quickly text back 'That sounds bad :(' his reply, 'Im coming over'. My heart started to race and I felt sick. I paced about my bed room then walked out into the living room. My flat mate was watching TV and I told her that The boy was going to finish with me. Her shock response reminded me that I had shared with her just the night before that I was starting to fall for him. I paced about our flat speaking erratically though outed breath. My flat mate who is also a dear friend made every effort to calm me down and regulate my breathing, she was talking but I couldn't hear her over my worrying thoughts of experiencing a panic attack in front of the boy. I knew I had to compose myself before I saw him. I wasn't crying but I was shaking. It felt like only a minute had passed before the i heard the buzzing of the front door. With a deep breath I opened the it and asked him to come in. We walked up to my room in silence. Once inside he said something about things not working out and that he wasn't in the right place to get into a relationship right now. He handed me a bag with a few things I had left at his house last week then I calmly said, "well thats it then, you can leave now". "Please look at me" he replied and I just said "no, I cant do that. Can you go please". And that was that.

My flat mate/friend was really supportive and listened to my ramblings for a good hour. They were mainly about feeling so foolish about spending the whole of the Christmas Holidays sharing with anyone who would listen about how I thought the boy and I were getting really close. I had a little cry then I was fine. In fact I felt nothing, apart from a tiny puddle of embarrassment and regret. It seems that over the years I have perfected this built in instant emotional pain killer that releases into by blood after thirty minutes of panic.  I knew this nothing feeling would be replaced with a negative thinking and a headache so I did the only thing you could do in a situation like this; seek out random sex. Thing is I took it one step further and had random sex with two men that very day. One after the other. I went online and choose two guys that I considered hotter than my ex boyfriend and arranged to have mindless sex with them. It was fun and totally did the trick. It was a short-term fix to an emotionally traumatic day.

The next morning I woke up with that strange nothing feeling again. You know the nothing feeling with a dash of embarrassment and regret. Again I knew this could very well develop into negative day so I went to see a friend about a poppy, if you catch my drift. Obviously this made me feel like I was having a million pound treatment at a luxury spa. In fact since Saturday morning I have done everything I can to numb my body and my mind. I would like to share my feelings with you Mr. Blog but due to my extremely efficient abilities at achieving cognitive dissociation I am only seeing a stunningly beautiful and vast expanse of fluffy emotional brain vessels, as far as the eye can see.

The week ahead will be a little challenging. I will slowly be letting people know that the boy and I are no longer. Answering the same tedious questions as why it all happened. Staring through the insincere concerned looking faces of semi friends and making jokes in order to wrap up the conversation. My current state of mind is telling me that its actually going to be a breeze. Im an expert at picking myself up and immersing myself into a process of healing. This boy wasn't going to work out for the long term anyway so its better he figured it out early on and pressed the eject button way before we headed into stormy weather. We only met in August and I had already seen evidence that he wasn't in the right head space for something deep and meaningful. I think that I will be able to stay in contact with him though, maybe even communicate again as friends in a month or so without any secret resentment or affection. My state of mind can change like the British weather so I'm expecting my regular totally out-of-the-blue moments but I am totally prepared with logic and medication at my disposal. So much for my month of drug free clarity.

Don't give up on me yet

In the space of time it takes to execute a New Years Eve/Day three day party extravaganza and to recover from the three day come down from the fiery depths of hell. I have come to the conclusion that yes I do suffer from a mild self indulgent depression but have a dangerous yet sustainable handle on it. I have also discovered that I'm falling in love with the boy. Pretty good going for the beginning of a new year but not so great if you consider the fact that I'm thirty one. You would have thought by now that I have left my party days behind to pursue a life filled with work promotions, romantic holidays and weekends reading the news paper in bed with the boy. Although I'm not going to be too hard on myself seeing as Im a gay and gay men struggle to find that kind of sustainable living easy.

This month I plan on perfecting clear thinking by avoiding drugs, dramas and late nights. I want to make sure that the perspective I'm currently have is accurate and genuine. This first week back at work has been a huge struggle due to my come down and my inability to disguise my physical and emotional pain. Thankfully keeping my head down, faking a cold and blitzing my workload got me through. This weekend I plan to spend with the boy but I have a new fear now. Now that I have realised I have very deep feelings for him I'm scared that all my freaky behavior has already put him off and that he is already making plans to ditch me for a less complicated version.  I know that he likes me but does he feel the same as me? The thing is he is so much of a better human being than I am and he could do a whole lot better. For example I still haven't been completely honest about how often I indulge in drugs and online masturbation. I know that if things go well between us I will feel comfortable enough to even dare to let him read this blog. After all who wants to keep secrets when you're in a beautiful and fulfilling relationship! The question is will the beautiful and fulfilling relationship be with the boy?

Roll on a successful, drug free, clear thinking month of emotional and physical enlightenment. This will be the only time I will see in all directions with a positive perspective. I am crossing my fingers that I will fulfill my current desires and not stumble at the first or even the second hurdle. All I have to do is remember how negative and distorted I get when I take my hedonism far too far. Don't give up on me yet because this thirty one year old gay has the power and ability to achieve happiness. Watch this space.