Cognitive dissociation extraordinaire

Yesterday I was dumped. Completely out of the blue. I mean why did he get me to meet his parents only two weeks beforehand? Why did he get me tickets to see Chris Cunningham in the month of July for my Christmas present? Every vibe I've been receiving from him for the past month has suggested this relationship was going somewhere. This saturday we agreed to have a chilled day together. I had planned some simple, fun events for us and was excited about sharing in a wholesome day with my boy. I sent him a text at 11am telling him I had a little something planed for us and that I would be over to collect him at 1pm. His reply 'Hey beautiful, would be really good for us to have a chat today. Could I come over in the next hour?' As soon as I read this I knew immediately that he was finishing with me. I quickly text back 'That sounds bad :(' his reply, 'Im coming over'. My heart started to race and I felt sick. I paced about my bed room then walked out into the living room. My flat mate was watching TV and I told her that The boy was going to finish with me. Her shock response reminded me that I had shared with her just the night before that I was starting to fall for him. I paced about our flat speaking erratically though outed breath. My flat mate who is also a dear friend made every effort to calm me down and regulate my breathing, she was talking but I couldn't hear her over my worrying thoughts of experiencing a panic attack in front of the boy. I knew I had to compose myself before I saw him. I wasn't crying but I was shaking. It felt like only a minute had passed before the i heard the buzzing of the front door. With a deep breath I opened the it and asked him to come in. We walked up to my room in silence. Once inside he said something about things not working out and that he wasn't in the right place to get into a relationship right now. He handed me a bag with a few things I had left at his house last week then I calmly said, "well thats it then, you can leave now". "Please look at me" he replied and I just said "no, I cant do that. Can you go please". And that was that.

My flat mate/friend was really supportive and listened to my ramblings for a good hour. They were mainly about feeling so foolish about spending the whole of the Christmas Holidays sharing with anyone who would listen about how I thought the boy and I were getting really close. I had a little cry then I was fine. In fact I felt nothing, apart from a tiny puddle of embarrassment and regret. It seems that over the years I have perfected this built in instant emotional pain killer that releases into by blood after thirty minutes of panic.  I knew this nothing feeling would be replaced with a negative thinking and a headache so I did the only thing you could do in a situation like this; seek out random sex. Thing is I took it one step further and had random sex with two men that very day. One after the other. I went online and choose two guys that I considered hotter than my ex boyfriend and arranged to have mindless sex with them. It was fun and totally did the trick. It was a short-term fix to an emotionally traumatic day.

The next morning I woke up with that strange nothing feeling again. You know the nothing feeling with a dash of embarrassment and regret. Again I knew this could very well develop into negative day so I went to see a friend about a poppy, if you catch my drift. Obviously this made me feel like I was having a million pound treatment at a luxury spa. In fact since Saturday morning I have done everything I can to numb my body and my mind. I would like to share my feelings with you Mr. Blog but due to my extremely efficient abilities at achieving cognitive dissociation I am only seeing a stunningly beautiful and vast expanse of fluffy emotional brain vessels, as far as the eye can see.

The week ahead will be a little challenging. I will slowly be letting people know that the boy and I are no longer. Answering the same tedious questions as why it all happened. Staring through the insincere concerned looking faces of semi friends and making jokes in order to wrap up the conversation. My current state of mind is telling me that its actually going to be a breeze. Im an expert at picking myself up and immersing myself into a process of healing. This boy wasn't going to work out for the long term anyway so its better he figured it out early on and pressed the eject button way before we headed into stormy weather. We only met in August and I had already seen evidence that he wasn't in the right head space for something deep and meaningful. I think that I will be able to stay in contact with him though, maybe even communicate again as friends in a month or so without any secret resentment or affection. My state of mind can change like the British weather so I'm expecting my regular totally out-of-the-blue moments but I am totally prepared with logic and medication at my disposal. So much for my month of drug free clarity.