Choose Life

A week ago a friend of mine killed himself. I received a call from his best friend whilst I was on a shoot in Manchester. I knew something was wrong because I hadn't heard from her in months. We had drifted apart as people do in London. Two years ago we had all been very close, spending weekends in the country together and the occasional party in Soho House. I answered the phone to her knowing that something had happened to him but nothing prepared me for what she was about to tell me. He had thrown himself off a building after battling with alcohol addiction. I knew he liked a drink but I had no idea that he had a problem with alcohol. I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt that I had not spoken to him for over six months. If I had known maybe I could have been more of a friend. She assured me that everything had been done to help him. She explained that his boyfriend and her had helped him by booking him into the priory. They had attempted to do this twice and on both occasions he had tried to smuggle in vodka. In the end he refused their support and returned to his childhood home in Poland to be with his family. This obviously had no affect on his recovery because within a few weeks he deiced to end it all by jumping to his death. Despite not feeling much of a connection with him in recent months I felt really effected by his suicide. I guess I related to his addiction and his loneliness. I instantly decided that however bad its gets I will always choose life. So if I choose life then why the hell am I'm playing this irresponsible game with my own well-being.

Today I collected my first dose of Methadone. 35ml to be taken supervised for the first four days followed by a review to see how I am getting on. If I follow the rules I could be fully recovered in three months. It was such a pleasant surprise to find that the people in the clinic and the pharmacist in the chemists were all so friendly and supportive and not at all judgmental. They didn't even seem surprised that someone like myself with a full-time job and a polite manner could be a junky. I know for a fact that my current path was going to ruin my career and cut me off from my friends. Today is the first time in ages that my anxiety levels are back to normal and I can see a realistic solution to my current situation. I'm back in control and its time to prioritise and focus on the long-term goals and  ambitions that lead to a happier more complete me. I have so much going for me, a great career, some great friends and a decisive attitude towards life. Both of which could have easily slipped through my fingers. I barely noticed them fading away because of the brown hazes I had built up around myself. This is it now, choose life and everything else will slowly fall into place. Its so sad that its to late for my recently departed friend but  his desperately sad exit from this world has been a huge lesson for me. Never give up and never give in.

Walking a tightrope

It’s been quite some time since my last blog and a great deal has happened between now and then. I had two major health scares, HIV and Cancer. Both of which turned out to be other less serious complications. My endoscopy results came back telling me I've been host to an intestinal parasite for over six years that I picked it up in Cambodia. At the time I was very ill with giardia enteritis and apparently a parasite called Coccidia that has remained untraceable in my small intestine for all that time. I also had unprotected sex with a few different guys and got the fear that I had contracted HIV. In fact I haven’t been able to blog through fear of manifesting the disease somehow.

I had also got myself into a bit of a pickle with my brown consumption. I was doing it everyday for the past two months. Really stupid!! I’ve had to delete all the phone numbers from my phone because I don’t have any willpower. If I have a means of getting it I will. The first four days coming off it were living hell. The only relief came with Nurofen Plus which has 12.8mg of Codeine per pill. I discovered that if I took 16 pills a day I could reduce that terrible feeling of withdraw. The only down side is that they mix codeine with 200mg ibuprofen which can make your stomach bleed if you take too much of it. So I was taking 3200mg of ibuprofen and only 204.8mg of codeine. This had to stop so I’ve been slowly reducing the amount of pills I take a day then moved onto codeine mixed with paracetamol. The thing is the amount of codeine to paracetamol is 8mg to 500mg. So I’m taking 12 of them a day that’s 6000mg of paracetamol and only 96mg of codeine. It’s a bugger but tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor in the hope that a complaint for back pain will supply me with a prescription of codeine which comes in the slightly more attractive ratio of 30mg codeine to 500mg paracetamol. I wont get prescribed much but it will be a great help as I come off the naughty stuff.

If Im totally honest I cant ever see myself not taking brown again despite all of the bother its caused me. I have this condition where I can’t be ordinary and I will always search for something to distract me from just how ordinary I can be. I had always dreamt of countless amazing adventures as a teenager and I can honestly say I haven’t disappointed myself by not taking every opportunity to do something new and exciting but now I’m scrutinizing my life and feel this incredible void within me. I wish I knew what it is I need to fill it. A boyfriend? No. A career change? No. An environment change? Maybe. The truth is I have no idea and the best temporary filler for this void is brown; an easy yet dangerous choice of temporary filler and the danger and secrecy is half of the attraction. It’s warm inviting cuddles are sometimes too much to resist and before you know it you can find yourself in a brown haze destined for a life of complete dependency. And that’s not the only reason why I should stop. When people take brown they slowly disappear. Its like they retreat into a safer less complicated world that is completely in their imagination. From the inside they are safe and happy but as soon as they are no longer high they see what everyone from the outside can see. The reality!! They just lose their spark, their lust for life. I had lost my spark and that cant happen to me. I would then be worse than ordinary, I would be as good as dead. With all this in mind I have got to make sure I never take brown again or only take it very rarely. If the truth be told I should never think of it ever again but what is worse; a consent void or an occasional void whilst walking a tightrope.