Walking a tightrope

It’s been quite some time since my last blog and a great deal has happened between now and then. I had two major health scares, HIV and Cancer. Both of which turned out to be other less serious complications. My endoscopy results came back telling me I've been host to an intestinal parasite for over six years that I picked it up in Cambodia. At the time I was very ill with giardia enteritis and apparently a parasite called Coccidia that has remained untraceable in my small intestine for all that time. I also had unprotected sex with a few different guys and got the fear that I had contracted HIV. In fact I haven’t been able to blog through fear of manifesting the disease somehow.

I had also got myself into a bit of a pickle with my brown consumption. I was doing it everyday for the past two months. Really stupid!! I’ve had to delete all the phone numbers from my phone because I don’t have any willpower. If I have a means of getting it I will. The first four days coming off it were living hell. The only relief came with Nurofen Plus which has 12.8mg of Codeine per pill. I discovered that if I took 16 pills a day I could reduce that terrible feeling of withdraw. The only down side is that they mix codeine with 200mg ibuprofen which can make your stomach bleed if you take too much of it. So I was taking 3200mg of ibuprofen and only 204.8mg of codeine. This had to stop so I’ve been slowly reducing the amount of pills I take a day then moved onto codeine mixed with paracetamol. The thing is the amount of codeine to paracetamol is 8mg to 500mg. So I’m taking 12 of them a day that’s 6000mg of paracetamol and only 96mg of codeine. It’s a bugger but tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor in the hope that a complaint for back pain will supply me with a prescription of codeine which comes in the slightly more attractive ratio of 30mg codeine to 500mg paracetamol. I wont get prescribed much but it will be a great help as I come off the naughty stuff.

If Im totally honest I cant ever see myself not taking brown again despite all of the bother its caused me. I have this condition where I can’t be ordinary and I will always search for something to distract me from just how ordinary I can be. I had always dreamt of countless amazing adventures as a teenager and I can honestly say I haven’t disappointed myself by not taking every opportunity to do something new and exciting but now I’m scrutinizing my life and feel this incredible void within me. I wish I knew what it is I need to fill it. A boyfriend? No. A career change? No. An environment change? Maybe. The truth is I have no idea and the best temporary filler for this void is brown; an easy yet dangerous choice of temporary filler and the danger and secrecy is half of the attraction. It’s warm inviting cuddles are sometimes too much to resist and before you know it you can find yourself in a brown haze destined for a life of complete dependency. And that’s not the only reason why I should stop. When people take brown they slowly disappear. Its like they retreat into a safer less complicated world that is completely in their imagination. From the inside they are safe and happy but as soon as they are no longer high they see what everyone from the outside can see. The reality!! They just lose their spark, their lust for life. I had lost my spark and that cant happen to me. I would then be worse than ordinary, I would be as good as dead. With all this in mind I have got to make sure I never take brown again or only take it very rarely. If the truth be told I should never think of it ever again but what is worse; a consent void or an occasional void whilst walking a tightrope.