The therapist

I haven’t written a blog for some time now. This has been mainly due to a rather unconventional encounter with a Psychoanalyst. I had come home from a shoot in the midlands and found myself unpacking my bag on a Saturday night without any exciting plans for the night. I logged on to one of my gay networking sites and found a message from a guy whose profile contained a video of him being ass fucked. I don’t know if it was the fear of having nothing to do on a Saturday night or the lure of his promise to provide me with a selection of chemical highs but I wasted no time in ignoring the video and hopping onto my bike and cycling over his.

Have you ever met a person who scares you but also makes you feel safe? Who comforts you then torments you? Well this guy bounced my feelings all over the place like an emotional yoyo. At moments I felt like I could share my whole world with him and at other points I felt like he was mocking me and I wanted to hide. I quietly considered that everything he did was a test to help me realise things about myself, which would in turn release me from the negative tendencies I had imposed upon myself. Despite the fact that the whole situation was without any doubt incredibly fucked up I did feel that my eyes had been opened and that I had finally faced some monumental demons. We were very high and this obviously made the whole experience more intense and my sexual behaviour between these yo-yoing emotional therapy sessions shocked me to my core as well as feeling amazing. It seemed that nothing I experienced that night and day could be categorised or placed.

The most memorable part of the encounter was when I felt so comfortable with him I shared my blog. I didn’t expect him to read it in as much detail as he did and his in-depth analyses of what I had written had turned out to be some what of a revelation. I felt exposed and venerable. I was not sure if someone in the situation we were in should know more about me than I did myself. Afterwards I doubted many personal pursuits and choices I had in my life; one of which the pursuit to find an emotional togetherness with a sexual liaison. I wanted to go somewhere on my own to reassess my choices but his reaction to my change in mood had scared me. He went from being my councillor to someone who was just as insecure and awkward as I am. It was good to see this side of him because I needed to be reminded that we all experience human frailty and we all need to take good care of ourselves. I left his place with a new perspective and with a plan to encourage myself to make better choices and enjoy each moment with urgent and complete attention. If you happen to be reading this, thank you. I wish that you will someday meet someone who can do for you what you did for me even though you probably think you don’t need it.