Pursuit of another

I am better at being a single man than I am a man in a relationship. Its not that I am unable to perform or feel all the necessary emotions and gestures required to be connected with another human being its more that other people have a real tough time understanding me. I went on a date tonight with a lovely guy and I made every effort to subtly reveal my inner most thoughts through humors analogies and personal memories, only to be confronted with the most basic black 'n' white opinions that made no reference to anything I was attempting to communicate with him. Maybe I expect far too much from people but this doesn't seem to be the case when it comes to my close friends. I am able to crudely blurt out an idea or concept to a good friend and receive a genuine connected response. So why is it I can't have a similar experience with a guy I have the hots for? Imagine how amazing it would be to have the combination of sexual attraction and mental connection. This is what I predict love to be. I have felt it once before with a naive, younger mind but to feel this with a mature more selective state of consciousness would be in a word, immaculate.

I've deiced that although I am deserving I am not ready for an immaculate experience at this point in time. If I was I wouldn't be writing about how I am unable to require it and instead I would be telling you about how wonderful it is to be truly satisfied in everything and emotionally complete. How ever negative this may sound I am very happy at the moment because I have once again proved to myself that I enjoy my own company and that I like myself. This may not seem like much to you but this is coming from a individual who use to think very little of himself. I have a core set of values and morals all my own that I respect and honor at all times and this is why I don't dislike who I am. If I had to improve anything it would be to reduce my constant self obsessing, which isn't all that bad or all that narcissistic. It would be nice to meet someone I fancied who understood this fully but its not essential. Until then their are good friends, interesting dates and alone time that can stimulate and satisfy much more than the pursuit of another.

Skinner's box

Getting over the boy has been easier than I thought. Coming to terms with being dumped, less so. Now that a few days have passed by I can see very clearly that I was way more into having a boyfriend than I was into him. He was great in so many ways but the spark was defiantly being generated by my desire to be in a serious relationship rather than desiring him. I also have this novel idea that being in a relationship keeps me out of trouble. It’s really unfair of me to impose this onto another. I should be able to keep myself out of trouble all on my own. What I can take from this experience is that I have the patients and the empathy required to be in love with another person. He was like my stepping stone relationship, bridging the gab between not trusting to trusting again. The first serious relationship I have had with a guy since my ex husband. I had three long years as a single before entering into a relationship again and I think I knew that it was way over schedule. At least now I am sure that I have the ability to leave behind the past and enter into something new without repeating the same mistakes.

This isn't exactly the beginning of a new year I had in mind, suffering from withdraw, flu and another failed relationship, but I have my logical thought is in tact. I can see what needs fixing and what can wait. Prioritising all the work that needs to be done on me with my very own DIY Psychology. I came across this psychologist on a BBC documentary called Burrhus Frederic Skinner, who was also an inventor and poet. He created this technique to train new behaviors in pigeons and rats in the hope the same techniques could be used on humans and control the negative behaviors of the masses. Despite people rejecting his research as damaging to free will his research has filtered down into our every day lives in the way we take care of one another. Encouraging positive change into the people we care about in a more precise fashion. You could almost describe it as progressive manipulation. Skinner invented a box called the operant conditioning chamber which would ingrain these new behaviors into the animals he humanely tested his theories on. Things are so much more simpler to work with when they are condensed into a box. If I were to take all the things that take precedents in my life, put them in a box and arrange them in such a way I could retrain my process of thought. I could eliminate negative behaviors and become an enlightened individual, finally free from all my negative restraints. So why is it I don't proceed with my experiment? What is it that I am scared of losing? In some ways it may be my youth, which is also my frailty. Without my human frailty I would have to take responsibility for all that has passed and all that is to come. Someone isn't going to come into my life put me in a box for a few days and renew me into the person I want to be. I have to accept that I should do it on my own without even a little bit of help. If I waited for help from somewhere else it could be too late.

Cognitive dissociation extraordinaire

Yesterday I was dumped. Completely out of the blue. I mean why did he get me to meet his parents only two weeks beforehand? Why did he get me tickets to see Chris Cunningham in the month of July for my Christmas present? Every vibe I've been receiving from him for the past month has suggested this relationship was going somewhere. This saturday we agreed to have a chilled day together. I had planned some simple, fun events for us and was excited about sharing in a wholesome day with my boy. I sent him a text at 11am telling him I had a little something planed for us and that I would be over to collect him at 1pm. His reply 'Hey beautiful, would be really good for us to have a chat today. Could I come over in the next hour?' As soon as I read this I knew immediately that he was finishing with me. I quickly text back 'That sounds bad :(' his reply, 'Im coming over'. My heart started to race and I felt sick. I paced about my bed room then walked out into the living room. My flat mate was watching TV and I told her that The boy was going to finish with me. Her shock response reminded me that I had shared with her just the night before that I was starting to fall for him. I paced about our flat speaking erratically though outed breath. My flat mate who is also a dear friend made every effort to calm me down and regulate my breathing, she was talking but I couldn't hear her over my worrying thoughts of experiencing a panic attack in front of the boy. I knew I had to compose myself before I saw him. I wasn't crying but I was shaking. It felt like only a minute had passed before the i heard the buzzing of the front door. With a deep breath I opened the it and asked him to come in. We walked up to my room in silence. Once inside he said something about things not working out and that he wasn't in the right place to get into a relationship right now. He handed me a bag with a few things I had left at his house last week then I calmly said, "well thats it then, you can leave now". "Please look at me" he replied and I just said "no, I cant do that. Can you go please". And that was that.

My flat mate/friend was really supportive and listened to my ramblings for a good hour. They were mainly about feeling so foolish about spending the whole of the Christmas Holidays sharing with anyone who would listen about how I thought the boy and I were getting really close. I had a little cry then I was fine. In fact I felt nothing, apart from a tiny puddle of embarrassment and regret. It seems that over the years I have perfected this built in instant emotional pain killer that releases into by blood after thirty minutes of panic.  I knew this nothing feeling would be replaced with a negative thinking and a headache so I did the only thing you could do in a situation like this; seek out random sex. Thing is I took it one step further and had random sex with two men that very day. One after the other. I went online and choose two guys that I considered hotter than my ex boyfriend and arranged to have mindless sex with them. It was fun and totally did the trick. It was a short-term fix to an emotionally traumatic day.

The next morning I woke up with that strange nothing feeling again. You know the nothing feeling with a dash of embarrassment and regret. Again I knew this could very well develop into negative day so I went to see a friend about a poppy, if you catch my drift. Obviously this made me feel like I was having a million pound treatment at a luxury spa. In fact since Saturday morning I have done everything I can to numb my body and my mind. I would like to share my feelings with you Mr. Blog but due to my extremely efficient abilities at achieving cognitive dissociation I am only seeing a stunningly beautiful and vast expanse of fluffy emotional brain vessels, as far as the eye can see.

The week ahead will be a little challenging. I will slowly be letting people know that the boy and I are no longer. Answering the same tedious questions as why it all happened. Staring through the insincere concerned looking faces of semi friends and making jokes in order to wrap up the conversation. My current state of mind is telling me that its actually going to be a breeze. Im an expert at picking myself up and immersing myself into a process of healing. This boy wasn't going to work out for the long term anyway so its better he figured it out early on and pressed the eject button way before we headed into stormy weather. We only met in August and I had already seen evidence that he wasn't in the right head space for something deep and meaningful. I think that I will be able to stay in contact with him though, maybe even communicate again as friends in a month or so without any secret resentment or affection. My state of mind can change like the British weather so I'm expecting my regular totally out-of-the-blue moments but I am totally prepared with logic and medication at my disposal. So much for my month of drug free clarity.

Don't give up on me yet

In the space of time it takes to execute a New Years Eve/Day three day party extravaganza and to recover from the three day come down from the fiery depths of hell. I have come to the conclusion that yes I do suffer from a mild self indulgent depression but have a dangerous yet sustainable handle on it. I have also discovered that I'm falling in love with the boy. Pretty good going for the beginning of a new year but not so great if you consider the fact that I'm thirty one. You would have thought by now that I have left my party days behind to pursue a life filled with work promotions, romantic holidays and weekends reading the news paper in bed with the boy. Although I'm not going to be too hard on myself seeing as Im a gay and gay men struggle to find that kind of sustainable living easy.

This month I plan on perfecting clear thinking by avoiding drugs, dramas and late nights. I want to make sure that the perspective I'm currently have is accurate and genuine. This first week back at work has been a huge struggle due to my come down and my inability to disguise my physical and emotional pain. Thankfully keeping my head down, faking a cold and blitzing my workload got me through. This weekend I plan to spend with the boy but I have a new fear now. Now that I have realised I have very deep feelings for him I'm scared that all my freaky behavior has already put him off and that he is already making plans to ditch me for a less complicated version.  I know that he likes me but does he feel the same as me? The thing is he is so much of a better human being than I am and he could do a whole lot better. For example I still haven't been completely honest about how often I indulge in drugs and online masturbation. I know that if things go well between us I will feel comfortable enough to even dare to let him read this blog. After all who wants to keep secrets when you're in a beautiful and fulfilling relationship! The question is will the beautiful and fulfilling relationship be with the boy?

Roll on a successful, drug free, clear thinking month of emotional and physical enlightenment. This will be the only time I will see in all directions with a positive perspective. I am crossing my fingers that I will fulfill my current desires and not stumble at the first or even the second hurdle. All I have to do is remember how negative and distorted I get when I take my hedonism far too far. Don't give up on me yet because this thirty one year old gay has the power and ability to achieve happiness. Watch this space.