The boy and I went to see 'The Social Network' at the cinema last night. We had decided to go to this new luxury cinema with sofas, blankets and watch the film with a whisky on the rocks. Despite being unable to empathizes with any of the characters the film was exciting and edgy and I was surprised to discover that Justin Timberlake is better at acting than he is at singing. Towards the end of the film I started to experience this overwhelming feeling of depression. I thought to myself what have I really achieved, what mark have I left upon the world. From a very early age I have been so desperately aware of all my shortcomings. Aged ten I was removed from French classes so I could have one-to-one extra tuition in basic English. Aged sixteen I was made to drop most my GCSE exams so I could concentrate all my efforts on getting the basic grades to get me into College. Aged eighteen I lied about my grades to get into University which still to the day I'm amazed I got away with it. Throughout my life I have been two lengths behind everyone else. I know what needs to be achieved but I just come short of the finish line. If I want to win I have to cheat and blag my way through.
Maybe it was the whisky but I thought it would be a good opportunity to reveal to the boy that I have mild inadequacy issues. After all its been a few months we have been together and there is very much a clear distinction between us in our achievements and education. He is without a doubt the one with the brains. Looking back now it just made me seem needy and ridiculous. No matter how hard you try to explain that you feel like you didn't get the opportunities and support you needed to achieve everything you desired in life the other person listening to you will have just as many examples of their personal shortcomings to shoot back at you, (which he did), so you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever felt like this. Its relative in their eyes because they have always had higher goals and they will always fail to see that with every disappointment or rejection I learned to aim a little lower. His major disappointment is that he didn't graduate into a 100k a year job. Needless to say this was beyond any goal I had ever set for myself. Maybe Im failing to see everything he sees in me. I know I have the ability to turn a few heads with an antidote. I know I've managed to surprise my parents by doing far more in life than they expected from me. I have just got to stop comparing myself to others and just get on with what I am good at. Everyone has a grand purpose in life, its just up to that individual to work out what it is and to be brutally honest with themselves. Don't aim for things that you fail at aim for the things you succeed in. That feeling you get when you know you've done a bloody good job is so inspiring you should use to as a stepping block to achieve the next bloody good job and so on. As we all know there will always be someone who will do it better than you do but there is more than one way to skin a cat and that's where I come in. I have the imagination to do things a little differently, maybe not the best way or even the right way but its unique and has purpose and often comes up with a positive result. I have drive and ambition. If I allow myself to wallow in my own disappointments I will literary have nothing and the last thing I want to do is become bitter. That would be game over. Besides being the best and achieving the best doesn't always get you want you need. Take Mark Zuckerberg for example.
Maybe it was the whisky but I thought it would be a good opportunity to reveal to the boy that I have mild inadequacy issues. After all its been a few months we have been together and there is very much a clear distinction between us in our achievements and education. He is without a doubt the one with the brains. Looking back now it just made me seem needy and ridiculous. No matter how hard you try to explain that you feel like you didn't get the opportunities and support you needed to achieve everything you desired in life the other person listening to you will have just as many examples of their personal shortcomings to shoot back at you, (which he did), so you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever felt like this. Its relative in their eyes because they have always had higher goals and they will always fail to see that with every disappointment or rejection I learned to aim a little lower. His major disappointment is that he didn't graduate into a 100k a year job. Needless to say this was beyond any goal I had ever set for myself. Maybe Im failing to see everything he sees in me. I know I have the ability to turn a few heads with an antidote. I know I've managed to surprise my parents by doing far more in life than they expected from me. I have just got to stop comparing myself to others and just get on with what I am good at. Everyone has a grand purpose in life, its just up to that individual to work out what it is and to be brutally honest with themselves. Don't aim for things that you fail at aim for the things you succeed in. That feeling you get when you know you've done a bloody good job is so inspiring you should use to as a stepping block to achieve the next bloody good job and so on. As we all know there will always be someone who will do it better than you do but there is more than one way to skin a cat and that's where I come in. I have the imagination to do things a little differently, maybe not the best way or even the right way but its unique and has purpose and often comes up with a positive result. I have drive and ambition. If I allow myself to wallow in my own disappointments I will literary have nothing and the last thing I want to do is become bitter. That would be game over. Besides being the best and achieving the best doesn't always get you want you need. Take Mark Zuckerberg for example.
