Satisfaction

Is it normal to never be satisfied? For years now I have be searching for the perfect boy to share my life with only to discover I have subconscious commitment issues. Its not that I'm one of those gay guys that cant seem to keep it in his pants every time a new model appears in the showroom, its just that my mind seems to play tricks with me. As soon as I meet a handsome, intelligent, successful guy my body becomes nervous and struggles to become turned-on. In fact I have to really concentrate to relax enough to cum. This beautiful body laid out for me like an all you can eat buffet, everything I like in one serving but I'm not hungry. If I was to meet some random guy off Grinda or any of the other countless online gay networking sites I wouldn't have this problem. To tell you the truth I would have a very different set of emotional issues rearing their ugly heads.

I cant help but think that all my years of social hedonism may have contributed to all my psychical and mental inaccuracies. Don't get me wrong I'm not under any illusion that the rest of the world is having a grand old time enjoying the perfect sex-life and feeling super contented due to living a moralistic existence. I know that beneath those perfect exteriors there's a whole heap of emotional soup boiling away just waiting for the most inconvenient moment to bubble over and make a huge mess all over their lives. I need to work out what it is that's stopping me from enjoying being in a couple. I am spending more and more time away form my naughty friends and avoiding those parties that lead me into a non-sleep weekend situation which I think is a really good thing for my body and mind. Although I am still able to spend the occasional day off work with a close friend indulging in the Victorians favorite prescription medicine. (On a very light level I may add).  So maybe I need to sustain complete abstinence to have a clear perspective of my life and come up with the solution to my lack of commitment libido. Ive had my fair share of parties and madness, in fact more years than I feel comfortable mentioning. Isn't this the reason why I have been looking for a special guy to spend my life with. A guy whose main focus isn't to spend the entire weekend crawling from club to house party with the ability to inspire me to enjoy the finer things in life, remind me of what else I enjoying doing. For example last night we had sex in the shower, (not any easier to climax), watched a film in bed and was asleep by midnight. This early night lead to us waking up early and cycling to a canal for a spot of breakfast in the morning sun, watching people walk their strange little dogs much to his amusement. This is what I want, beautiful days with my boy, nights where we curl up together without a care about what any of our friends are doing. I refuse to believe he just isn't the right boy for me. I can't find fault in him at all, the only faults I see are within me. I'm going to really work at this one and make every effort to nurture us into harmonious relationship.