Don't give up on me yet

In the space of time it takes to execute a New Years Eve/Day three day party extravaganza and to recover from the three day come down from the fiery depths of hell. I have come to the conclusion that yes I do suffer from a mild self indulgent depression but have a dangerous yet sustainable handle on it. I have also discovered that I'm falling in love with the boy. Pretty good going for the beginning of a new year but not so great if you consider the fact that I'm thirty one. You would have thought by now that I have left my party days behind to pursue a life filled with work promotions, romantic holidays and weekends reading the news paper in bed with the boy. Although I'm not going to be too hard on myself seeing as Im a gay and gay men struggle to find that kind of sustainable living easy.

This month I plan on perfecting clear thinking by avoiding drugs, dramas and late nights. I want to make sure that the perspective I'm currently have is accurate and genuine. This first week back at work has been a huge struggle due to my come down and my inability to disguise my physical and emotional pain. Thankfully keeping my head down, faking a cold and blitzing my workload got me through. This weekend I plan to spend with the boy but I have a new fear now. Now that I have realised I have very deep feelings for him I'm scared that all my freaky behavior has already put him off and that he is already making plans to ditch me for a less complicated version.  I know that he likes me but does he feel the same as me? The thing is he is so much of a better human being than I am and he could do a whole lot better. For example I still haven't been completely honest about how often I indulge in drugs and online masturbation. I know that if things go well between us I will feel comfortable enough to even dare to let him read this blog. After all who wants to keep secrets when you're in a beautiful and fulfilling relationship! The question is will the beautiful and fulfilling relationship be with the boy?

Roll on a successful, drug free, clear thinking month of emotional and physical enlightenment. This will be the only time I will see in all directions with a positive perspective. I am crossing my fingers that I will fulfill my current desires and not stumble at the first or even the second hurdle. All I have to do is remember how negative and distorted I get when I take my hedonism far too far. Don't give up on me yet because this thirty one year old gay has the power and ability to achieve happiness. Watch this space.