Give thanks

This weekend I had a rather well executed belated Thanksgiving English style dinner party. My flat mate is from the US so Thanksgiving is a time of the year where she gets a little homesick so a huge gathering is always in order. We had seventeen guest and a whole bunch of food, some cooked by yours truly and the rest generously donated by some of our friends. It was good to have the boy there amongst my friends and having a good time. Everything was going well until one of my friends insisted that I joined him in a line of ketamine. Now I knew this would be a bad idea due to the fact that the boy cant handle it one bit and I had just worked my way through a bottle of Sailor Jerry rum. Drinking alcohol with ketamine can leave you in a spinning hole of regret. Desert wasn't even served before I found myself in curled up in bed telling people that I needed just 30 minutes on my own. The boy took great pleasure in the fact that it was me in the fetal position and not him. Especially as I had given him a talking to about not doing too much. As soon as I was starting to feel myself again the boy crashed and was suffering ten times worse than I was. I was really disappointed that this had happened. I hate it when I do silly things like this. One minute you're having a lovely time and the next you counting down the minutes until you feel normal again. Only this time was worse seeing as normality was short lived and replaced with me nursing a groaning mess of a boyfriend. I was meant to go to this fundraising party for a documentary I'm working on but instead was laying in bed with a sweating lump. I did feel sorry for him but I was annoyed that I and him had ruined the night by being silly with drugs. We both ended up passing out which was probable the best thing for both of us. There's no way you can recover the evening after a K-hole.

Next morning I woke up in a bit of a bad mood. The night before had got me thinking about what annoys me about the boy. The thing is he is lovely and a much better person that I but for some reason I started to think about the negative. The problems Im having in my head regarding sex didn't help either. I spent the whole day being moody and frowning. Poor boy, he really doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. What makes me really shallow is the fact that I was spending most the day trying to figure out how I could tell him I hated his boots, (which he adores by the way). These boots are high, shiny and very feminine. I am literally hating myself as I write this but I have to be honest. These boots are a real attraction killer. I decided that there would be no way I could tell him that I hated them without me being the nasty and shallow. Besides I know its not really the boots. The boots are getting all the blame and attention because I am avoiding the real issues. What is even more ridiculous is that I'm not entirely sure as to what these issues even are. We spent the whole day together and he kept asking me if I was feeling ok. I assured him that things were fine, through gritted teeth. We spent what would have been lovely day together if it wasn't for my terrible mood. A roast in the local pub with his friends followed by a trip to Brick Lane to find a winter coat for me. We found a lovely coat in the end, together. Arhh , I'm such a bitch!! He helped me find a really cool, stylish coat and the whole time I was secretly slagging off his fashion sense. What is wrong with me?

After cycling home together we watched a bit of 'Mad Men' tucked up in bed. I thought that I should explain my actions as I really didn't want him worrying if he had upset me. The truth is he had but I'm not sure what it is he did. I guess Im just sexually frustrated. Why am I losing interest in him sexually? I do this with every guy I like. I know its just like a pain barrier thing. If I push though and focus on how wonderful he is the sexual attraction will return. I know this for a fact because it has happened so many times before with other guys. I decided to tell him that my moody behavior was down to worrying about our relationship. This was not a lie and I felt okay giving him the vague version of events. I also told him that I can be a bit of a depressed anxious person at times. Also true. He was so understanding and caring that afterwards I felt like I had to have sex with him to say thank you. Again I had such trouble cuming. I really need to get to the bottom of this. I really like him. Curse you god! Why am I trying to self sabotage this relationship? Plan of action. I have to figure out why I cant enjoy the sex with him the same way as when we met or maybe I just need to make him loose these boots. The boots are blocking my view from the issue and they need to be removed. I tell you what I give thanks for, someone coming along and steeling these boots. I hate myself. I'm so sorry you've had to read this.